Road to El Thiefshipping - 1st Draft
by AnimeJunkee
Summary: Marik still wants to invade Saskatchewan, but he doesn't have the money to do it. What better way to get some quick cash than to steal gold from the mythical city of El Dorado? [YGO:TAS Personalities / Rated T for Language, Violence, and Sexual Themes]
1. Intro

_Yu-Gi-Oh!_ © Kazuki Takahashi

 _Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series_ © LittleKuriboh

 _The Road to El Dorado_ © DreamWorks

This work of fiction is for non-profit entertainment purposes only, and the characters and plot all belong to their respective owners.

If any of the original owners are against fanfiction that contain their creations, please let me know and I will remove this story from this and all sites.

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 **WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Gore]**

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 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly small fixes here and there._

 _I also changed the Warning section a tad._

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Somewhere in Egypt, Bakura was sitting on the only comfortable chair in their entire hideout - which he had made sure to snatch up and place in the room where his main essentials resided. In his hand was a book that one of his fans had sent him called _Battle Royale_ , which was written by some bloke by the name of Houshun Takami. He had found it quite strange, considering the fact that his fangirls usually gave him severed fingers or ears instead, but he had decided to give it a go since the cover had the image of a group of bloodthirsty teenagers who were scrambling to kill each other.

Most of the time he wouldn't have bothered. Reading about blood and gore wasn't as fun as actually seeing it. Or even better, being covered in it. But ever since _4Kids_ took hold of the _Yu-Gi-Oh!_ franchise, he had found it difficult to avoid their radar long enough to murder somebody. It was possible, but tricky. And he wasn't able to kill nearly as much as he wanted to. So instead, he was reading about it. Or at least, he was until-

"Bakura!" Marik pushed the door to Bakura's room open with great force, which caused his partner in crime cringe when it slammed against the stone wall. "I have a new plan for how we shall get the money we need to invade the province of Saskatchewan!"

Bakura let out an exasperated sigh before closing the book, not bothering to mark his place. Something told him that Marik's scheme was going to take a while. "Does it involve playing a children's card game?"

"Why do you always ask me that?"

"Because that's all we ever do, Marik." And he was starting to get sick of it. Somewhere along the line, they had all fallen into one sad rut that had no end. They would challenge Yugi to a duel, almost defeat him, and then three or more episodes in he would miraculously pick up the one card that he needed from his deck, ensuring his victory. It was getting old. "How about we just pretend that we did your plan and go right to the part where you complain and I tune you out."

"But it's effing brilliant!"

"That is exactly what you said the last time."

"Come on, Bakura. You can't still be upset with me about that one."

"Yes I can, Marik. It took hours to get the feathers out of my hair."

The bronze skinned boy chuckled at the memory. "Yeah. You looked like a very pale and very gay version of Elton John."

"Marik, Elton John _is_ -"

Marik suddenly clapped his hands together, cutting him off. Oh!" He reached into one of the large pockets on his black cargo pants and pulled out a DVD, which he waved in front of Bakura's face. "Speaking of, that's what my ingenious plan has in it. Elton John, I mean."

"It doesn't involve feathers, does it?"

"Of course not, Fluffy!"

"Don't call me that."

Marik flashed a confident grin. "We are going to star in our own movie!"

They were both silent for a moment before Bakura asked, "What does that have to do with Elton John?"

"I'm glad you asked. We are going to be in a movie that he was in."

"Please don't tell me it's _The Country Bears_. One furry on this show is bad enough."

"No! We are going to be in this movie!" Marik shoved the DVD into Bakura's hands and stepped back, a large smile plastered on his tan face, as if he were expecting Bakura to jump up from his chair and shout to the world that Marik's plan was the most amazing and diabolical of all evil plans ever known to man.

This, obviously, did not happen.

The white haired boy cocked an eyebrow at the DVD he was now holding. " _The Road to El Dorado_?" The cover had a picture of two men: one blond with shoulder length hair, the other with black locks in a ponytail and some sort of goatee. The two of them were riding a white horse, who was smiling at the unseen camera along with the two protagonists on his back. That's American cartoons for you. "Well, this doesn't look gay at all." He said with a heavy coating of sarcasm.

"It's not gay, Bakura." Marik snatched it back. "They both fall in love with a girl who has big hips and tiny boobs."

"That's new." The measurements were usually the other way around.

"We are going to be in this movie, Bakura!" Marik said almost defensively. Because he wasn't holding his Millennium Rod, he ran his fingers over the DVD box instead. "And it is going to make us a lot of money."

"Don't you remember what happened the last time we tried to make a movie together?"

"No, I don't."

"Come to think of it, neither can I . . . Strange."

Marik shrugged it off. "Well, this plan is effing foolproof! You know why?"

Bakura knew he was going to regret this. "Why?"

"Because we are going to be ripping off this movie. Everyone knows that all of the big smash hits have been ripoffs of other movies. Just look at _Pocahontas_. It is totally a ripoff of _Avatar_."

"Marik, you do realize that _Pocahontas_ was made first, right?"

"Frigging Disney. They will stop at nothing!"

With a loud groan, Bakura grabbed the bridge of his nose with his forefinger and thumb, closing his brown eyes as he did. He looked like he was fighting off a massive headache, which he probably was. "Your stupidity astounds me."

"Thank you."

"That was _not_ a compliment."

Marik either didn't hear him or he had blocked it out. But of course, this is how it always was. Marik would rattle on about some new idea he had that even a toddler would frown upon and Bakura would try to convince him that it would never work, only to be completely ignored. Sometimes Bakura felt as if he were a radio and Marik was turning his volume knob until no sound came out. Another rut he was starting to grow tired of.

He sometimes wondered if he should end their partnership and find bloodier pastures, but he had tried that already. Once he had joined forces with Dartz and his gang of stupid motorcycle freaks that nobody cared about but it didn't work out. Mainly because the writers had stopped working on the next episode. But even if they hadn't, he still wouldn't have stayed there for long. Dartz's speech impediment and crummy guitar playing were even more annoying than Marik, if that was even possible. Or maybe Marik was more tolerable simply because Bakura felt a connection with the boy. They both had blood soaked pasts and shared the same enemy so it was to be expected. He knew it was more than that, but he had learned a long time ago to put his secret feelings aside. Or at least, to the best of his abilities.

Marik pointed at him with the DVD box. "You will be in my movie, Bakura!"

Bakura grabbed the DVD and looked it over again. "Couldn't you have picked something like _Cannibal Holocaust_?"

"The movie with all the blood and the girl skewered on the pointy stick?"

"Yes, Marik. That one."

"I prefer comedy movies."

"You've said that before."

Marik eyed the DVD that Bakura was currently holding. "That's a comedy."

"No bloody kidding." It didn't look like the type of movie that could be taken seriously. Just like every other American cartoon in existence.

"So are you going to be in my movie or not?!" Marik's voice had risen high enough to make it squeak, telling Bakura that he was losing what little patience he had.

"Fine." Bakura said, holding up his hands in surrender. "I'll be in your bloody movie. But I had better get paid for it."

"But I don't have any money."

Bakura placed _Battle Royale_ on his lap before intertwining his fingers, giving Marik a lewd grin. "There are other ways you can-" He had been in the middle of saying one of his many pickup lines that would probably go over Marik's head when a question popped into his mind. Two, in fact. "Wait a minute. If you don't have any money, then how are you going to afford making a movie? And what about that trust fund from your father?"

"Uh, which question do you want me to answer first?"

"The first one."

"Okay." After saying that, Marik remained silent for so long that Bakura thought that his puny brain had finally fizzled out of its meager existence from having to think too hard until, "I think I would rather answer the second question first."

"Fine, just hurry it up."

"I, uh . . . I kind of spent it all."

Bakura's eyebrows lowered. "What?"

"I had to use it all to pay the electricity bill." Marik gestured towards Bakura's computer, which was not the only one that they owned; the other belonging to Marik, which he used to play video games. "We live underground in the middle of frigging nowhere, Bakura. Do you have any idea how much it costs to get electricity down here? Not to mention the repairs after the Pharaoh had blown up our hideout."

At first Bakura said nothing and merely stared at him. He had expected Marik to say that he had used the money to pay for something utterly ridiculous; like a taco stand so that they could have all the free tacos they wanted. And he would probably use it in one of his idiotic plans to defeat the Pharaoh. Maybe inviting him over, telling him that he could come and eat a taco, only to arrive and discover that they had already eaten them all. No, that wasn't stupid enough. With all the money that they now didn't have, Bakura couldn't even imagine what Marik would have bought with it. And he hoped to never find out.

"Fair enough." Bakura crossed his arms over his chest, feeling the cold metal of the Millennium Ring touch the bare skin on his wrist. "Now answer the first question."

"What first question?"

Bakura rolled his eyes. "How are you going to afford making a movie?"

Marik smiled once more. "We are going to use movie magic!"

"What the bloody hell is that?"

"I don't know but it sounds cool."

"Gay, you mean."

"I'm not gay!"

"Whatever." Yet another rut to add to the list. Bakura picked up his book, thumbing through the pages until he found the place where he had left off. "Call me when you get it all sorted out."

"But I already have it all sorted out."

"Hmm." Bakura was only half listening now, his eyes moving back and forth as they consumed the words on the page. It described the body of a teacher being brought into a classroom, half of the head gone and brain matter covering the teacher's hair. Bakura was not fazed by it. In fact, he thought that the author didn't go far enough.

"We are going to use the evil and terrifying power of," pause for dramatic effect, "fanfiction."

Bakura stopped reading and his eyes widened. There was nothing quite as frightening as fanfiction. Or worse, a fanfiction writer.

When he didn't say anything in response, Marik continued. "We are going to hire someone to write us into this movie."

"How are you going to hire somebody when we don't have any money?"

"Did I say 'hire'? I meant, kidnap them! And force them to do our bidding!"

Bakura's lips spread into a sadistic grin. "May I kill them when we're done with them?"

"Silly, Kitty. You know that _4Kids_ will censor it."

"I'm not a kitty."

Marik raised his hands up to his chin, mimicking the neko pose. "Hello, Kitty! Hello, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty."

"Stop it."

"Ha! Does that bug you? I'm not touching you."

Bakura waved a dismissive hand. "Just go and bring the writer here." He turned his attention back to _Battle Royale_. Now the teacher's head was being shot at, causing what was left of his brain to spatter on the walls. "No doubt it will be a deluded yaoi fangirl."

"Is there any other type of fanfiction writer?"

"Good point."

—

 _And that, my friends, is how I ended up here; tied to a chair in front of an old typewriter that was probably clogged up with sand, considering the fact that we were underground in the middle of freakin' Egypt. Why Marik had chosen- Correction, kidnapped me to write his money making movie fanfic is beyond me. And for the record, I am not a deluded yaoi fangirl. Yes, I did write one shounen-ai fanfic once but it was for a contest and-_

"Stop writing about yourself and get to work." _Bakura said as he held up a knife, the flames from the torches that surrounded them reflecting off of the menacing blade._

 _Marik slammed his hands down on the tabletop._ "The time you spent describing his knife was time you could have spent writing my movie!"

"I'm just trying to describe to the readers what's going on." _The young and perfectly masculine writer with a dimpled smile that made all the women swoon said in a dashing voice that-_

"What the eff is this bull crap?! You're a smelly girl!"

"A very manly smelly girl!"

"Can I kill her now?" _Bakura asked._

"Okay, okay!" _The writer said quickly before she began working on the first chapter of a fanfiction she would surely regret writing for many years to come._

"Have you started writing it yet?" _Marik asked._

"I have to end this chapter first." _And with that, the chapter ended._

"How about now?"

"I can't end it if you keep talking to me!" _And that concluded the first of many chapters._

"How about now?"

 _Or not._

 _There was a long silence._

 _Could it be?_

 _Was it too much to ask for?_

"How about now?"

 _Apparently it was._

"How about-?"

"MARIK!"


	2. Wonders of the New World

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Mild Suggestive Dialogue / Violence]**

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 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor edits._

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The location, Spain. The year, 1519. But of course, that's not important. What is important is the fact that the heroes of this story - if you can call them that - are right now, at this very moment, in a life or death duel that will surely be talked about for many centuries to come. Or at least until next Tuesday. The reason why this duel was taking place is unclear - you can blame the writing staff for that - but that is also not important. All that matters is the here and now, and right now Bakura is trying to come up with a strategy for his next move, which is proving to be difficult with his partner in crime chattering on behind him, making it impossible for him to concentrate.

"Did I ever tell you about the time I ate a huge pile of salt?" Marik asked, making Bakura clench his jaw as he tried to ignore him. "And then I drank a bottle of salt water before eating a salt cake. It really sucked. Speaking of things that suck-"

The duelist that Bakura was facing - a huge man with a small shaved head that revealed the fact that he had a brain the size of Bakura's conscience - groaned before covering his ears, dropping his cards in the process. "Can you please tell your girlfriend to shut up?!"

"He is not my girlfriend!" Bakura told him.

"You tell him, honey!" Marik said encouragingly, making the white haired boy roll his eyes.

The big man held up his beefy hands. "Look, I'm willing to forgive your noisy friend's insult to Maria."

"All I said was that I was surprised that it was the first bull I had seen since getting here." Marik explained before looking at Bakura. "I mean, aren't they supposed to be running around in the streets or something?"

"That was not a bull, that was my wife."

"You're married to a bull?"

"No, she just looks like one. I mean, she doesn't! I mean-!" The man groaned again. "If you just leave right now I'll give you this." He reached into the inside pocket of his vest and pulled out a large piece of yellowing paper with pictures of what looked like landmarks. "This map will lead you to El Dorado, the city of gold."

Bakura raised an eyebrow. "If you have got this map that supposedly leads to a city made of gold, why haven't you tried following it?"

"Um . . ." Don't you just love plot holes? "Look, will you please just take the map and go?"

"I believe that I have a better idea." Bakura grabbed his knife and held it up for the man to see, a murderous glint in his brown eyes. "How about I kill you instead?"

Marik waited patiently as the man's screams filled the streets and picked out a sombrero from a gift shop while his traveling companion performed his dirty deed. No one around seemed to mind the fact that a man was being brutally murdered in the middle of the busy road. Marik guessed that it happened a lot in this country. Or maybe it was just the writers being lazy again. Either way, it worked in their favor.

When Bakura was finished, he picked up the map and went through the dead man's pockets before walking back to Marik, licking off the blood that had ended up on his hands as if it were barbecue sauce from a chicken leg that he had just devoured, and grinned to himself. "It feels wonderful to finally be able to kill again." His smile faded when he saw the multicolored eyesore on Marik's head. "What are you bloody wearing?"

The tanned boy looked up at his hat. "We might as well get some souvenirs while we're here."

"How were you able to pay for that?"

"I didn't."

Right on queue, a large group of men wearing armor and brandishing swords came charging towards them. The two teenage boys exchanged a quick glance before running in the opposite direction. Apparently it was perfectly fine to kill people but not okay to steal a sombrero. And I thought the laws in Texas were messed up.

"I can't take you anywhere!" Bakura said.

"Of course you can, you brought me here."

Bakura watched the young Egyptian jump with flawless ease over a fence, like a graceful bird of prey that was gliding through the air to catch his next meal. Which, for some reason, made Bakura's feelings for the boy rise up like a bad case of heartburn; you try to get rid of it, but it always comes back. "Technically, _you_ are the one who brought _me_ here." He said as he climbed over the obstacle, feeling a tad bit jealous of Marik's gymnastic prowess.

"And coming here was a waste of my frigging time! I haven't seen a single Z anywhere!"

"I already told you, Marik. Zorro is not in Spain."

"But he speaks Spanish and everyone in the movie is wearing these." Marik pointed at his sombrero.

"This is 1519. We have never seen a movie." Bakura lowered his eyebrows in confusion. "Come to think of it, how do we even know about movies and Zorro when they haven't been invented yet?"

Screw you, continuity!

The two of them continued to run from the long arm of the law and climbed over yet another fence - Marik landing gracefully on his feet and Bakura landing not-so-gracefully on his bum - only to discover that they had dropped right into a bull pen.

The five menacing creatures turned their heads in unison to look at the intruders before they all lowered their heads and hoofed at the ground, pointing their sharp horns at the two teenagers like a firing squad, ready to shoot them down.

"Oh bullocks" Bakura muttered.

As the bulls began to charge, Bakura quickly opened the gate and they ran back into the streets. People scrabbled into their homes to avoid the stampede and Bakura began to laugh when he saw that the natives weren't the only ones who were screaming.

"It looks like you got your running bulls, Marik."

"I wanted to watch the bulls, not be chased by them!"

"Beggars can't be choosers, as the saying goes."

"I ain't no beggar! I take what I want 'cause I'm a villain and that's what villains do. Take things without asking."

"You can take me if you want."

"Did you say something, Bakura?"

"Nothing." He didn't know why he tried when the result was always the same. Maybe he was hoping that one of these days Marik would - by some miracle - step out of the closet and respond to his flirtations. It would probably never happen, but that didn't stop him from dreaming. Dreaming about them. Together. Doing it.

"What's with that look on your face?" Marik asked. He had apparently stopped screaming long enough to notice his companion's change of expression.

"Let us just concentrate on getting out of here." Bakura said, pushing the question - and his sexual desires - aside.

They turned a corner and saw that the guards who had been chasing them before were now in front of the two boys, pointing their gleaming weapons at them. Luckily there was a narrow alleyway to their left and they dodged into it. Before the armored men could give chase, the bulls came charging through, knocking the guards over like bowling pins.

Bakura and Marik kept moving and ran down a steep flight of stone steps, not bothering to look behind them to see if they were still being followed as they made their way to the docks. It wasn't until they stopped and checked out their surroundings that they noticed: the only exit was the way they had come in. They were trapped, and the sound of their pursuers shouting orders at each other up above them could be heard.

Bakura searched the area until he saw two large barrels that could fit them. "Get in." He ordered, lifting the wooden lid off of one of the barrels.

Marik nodded and complied. But when he ducked down into it, his sombrero refused to fit, making it look like the barrel was the one wearing the hat. Bakura didn't know if he should be annoyed or laugh at how ridiculous it looked.

Without hesitation, he grabbed the colorful monstrosity and threw it like a Frisbee, sending it flying into the ocean where it landed on the rough waters and floated off like a ship into the horizon.

Marik stood up and reached out his hand to it. "Noooo! My souvenir!"

"I'll steal you a new one." Bakura placed his hand on Marik's blond head, pushing him back into his hiding place.

After he put the lid back on, Bakura climbed into the second barrel, where the strong smell of pickles filled his nostrils. He would have much preferred to climb into the one that Marik was currently in, but the tanned boy would have probably protested and yelled at him, which would lead to the guards hearing Marik's shouting and they would surely be found. Right now staying alive was more important than trying to fulfill his fantasies.

"How long are we going to have to wait in here?" Marik asked.

"Marik, shut up."

Right after saying this, the two boys felt their hiding places move, as if they were in a rickety elevator that could also go horizontally. Bakura was tempted to lift the lid enough to peak outside and see what was going on, but he somehow managed to repress the urge. He didn't want to risk being seen by the lawmen that they were currently hiding from. So he waited patiently and was grateful that Marik did as he was told and kept quiet.

The barrels suddenly landed with a loud thud before they were knocked onto their sides and were rolled a few feet across what sounded like a wooden surface until finally they were put back into an upright position.

"These barrels sure are a lot heavier than usual." A gruff voice said.

Marik once again popped out of his barrel. "Are implying that I'm fat?! I'll have you know that I worked hard to get these gorgeous abs!"

Bakura groaned and slowly rose out of his barrel, reaching for his knife as he did. But unfortunately, they were on a ship that was full to the brim with an ugly crew who all had swords and pistols in their belts or in their hands. There was no getting out of this one. He was very handy with a blade but he wasn't _that_ good.

It wasn't long before they were put in stocks that trapped their necks and wrists - Marik protesting all the while - and the two of them were pushed and shoved to the captain's quarters.

—

 _Right when I was about to write the next scene, Marik ripped the paper out of the typewriter and squinted at it before putting it right in front of my nose, allowing me to smell the freshly applied ink._

"What is this?" _He asked me._

"A piece of paper that I was writing on until you grabbed it?"

"I am the main character!" _Marik said._ "And yet I'm barely in this!"

"One of the main characters." _Bakura corrected._

"And what's with Bakura being all over me? That is totally out of character for him!"

"But he's the one who told me to-" _I stopped when the tip of Bakura's knife poked me in the back, telling me to shut up if I wanted to keep my organs intact. I did, so I quickly shut my mouth._

"Why don't we just keep going?" _Bakura suggested, putting his knife away. Thank goodness!_ "We don't want to waste anymore time, now do we?"

"But this sucks!" _Marik said, pointing at what I had written._

"Hey!" _I knew I wasn't a great writer, but that was going a bit too far._

"May I suggest that we-?"

"AH!" _I jumped up, interrupting whatever the heck Bakura was going to say._ "I know how to fix this!" _Right when he was about to ask how, Bakura and Marik both disappeared from the room, leaving me in complete solitude._

 _I stretched my arms before leaning back in my chair, a huge smile on my dimpled face as I glanced at the typewriter, which was working on its own. Like how the Pharaoh had been sent to the world of memory in the final season of the show, I had cleverly put them directly into the story, meaning that I was free. Free from death threats and criticisms. Now there was only one problem . . ._

"I'm still in the middle of freakin' Egypt. How the heck am I gonna get home?!"


	3. The Brig

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Mild Sexual Situations]**

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 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

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Bakura blinked, as if he had just woken up from a long nap, and what he saw made him wonder if he was dreaming. He was no longer in a torch lit room under the blazing desert sands. He wasn't even in Egypt anymore. The ground gently rocked back and forth beneath him, telling the teenage boy that he was on a ship; and the reason why he could so easily notice this was because he was laying on the floorboards. It didn't take him long to realize what had happened and he groaned, making a mental note to ritualistically murder the writer who had put him here.

"No, Bakura. Don't eat your spaghetti with your mouth open, it gets everywhere. Told you not to do that."

Recognizing the voice, he quickly turned his head and saw Marik, who was also on the floor with him. But his blond companion was asleep, mumbling on about Bakura's lack of eating etiquette while drool dripped from his open mouth, creating a small puddle of saliva.

"Idiot." Bakura mumbled before he sat up and observed their surroundings.

They were in the brig, which was obvious from how small their new living quarters were and the metal bars that prevented them from climbing out of the opening up above them. He got to his feet and brushed straw off of his jeans, jacket, and striped shirt before reaching for the bars. He was the King of Thieves, after all. It should be easy to pick the lock, allowing them to escape and find their way out of this fanfic. After that, he would find that writer and he would bathe his blade in her blood. Unfortunately, the bars were too high up, and there was nothing around to stand on. Nothing except . . .

"Marik." Bakura gently kicked the tanned boy's side. "Wake up, Marik."

"Geez, Bakura. Close your mouth, you're getting spaghetti everywhere." Marik said before rolling onto his stomach and continued to snore away, unaware of what was going on.

There were days when an opportunity like this one would be like a dream come true. The two of them in a locked room together with no Pharaoh or Yugi in sight. But this was not one of those days.

Bakura grabbed Marik by the hair, lifting his head off of the ground, and then he let go, causing Marik's face to hit the floor with a loud thud.

"Ow!" Marik sprang up into a sitting position and rubbed his throbbing forehead. "What hit me?" He looked up at Bakura, who merely glared back at him. "Did you get the number of that truck?"

"Get over here." Bakura demanded, crossing his arms as he looked at the metal bars. "I need to stand on your shoulders so that I can get to that lock."

"You expect me to let you stand on my gorgeous self? I think not, bitch."

"I'm the only one who can unlock it."

"What makes you think I can't unlock it?"

Bakura cocked an eyebrow. "I highly doubt that you can."

"Of course I can!" Marik held up his hands. "I have very nimble fingers."

Bakura chuckled at this, remembering the last time Marik had said that while playing one of his video games. But when he saw the look of annoyance on Marik's face, who didn't appreciate being laughed at, he coughed and pulled out an old leather pouch from his pocket that contained his burglary tools before throwing it to his companion, who was just barely able to catch it.

"Have at it." Bakura told him before standing under the blocked off opening, where he knelt down. "Get on."

It didn't take long for Marik to climb onto his shoulders and soon Bakura was standing again, trying to keep his balance as the blond boy picked at the lock, occasionally cursing and stepping on Bakura's head as he did. This went on for quite some time, and soon enough, Bakura's legs felt like they were going to completely give out.

"Aren't you done yet?" Bakura grumbled. If he had been the one doing it, they would have been back in Egypt by now.

"Silence!" Marik exclaimed. "You're breaking my concentration!"

As Marik worked, Bakura realized that despite their current closeness he didn't feel any of his usual sexual desires for the boy, who was practically hopping up and down on his shoulders - which were screaming in protest as Marik's boots dug into them. But of course, pain will do that to you. And besides, Bakura reminded himself, he had stopped trying a long time ago - except for the occasional flirtation, which were more out of habit than anything. He had realized over time that nothing would ever change, and Marik's reaction to that chapter his future victim had written had put a stamp on the fact. He shook his head. Why did he keep reminding himself of this? They would never be together. After Marik accidentally kicked the back of his head, he told himself that he was done. From now on he would cast aside all of his feelings for him and-

"Oops."

"What?" Bakura asked before he saw his thief kit being dragged downward by gravity. Apparently Marik's not-so-nimble fingers had dropped them.

Before he could react, Marik reached down to grab them, losing his footing in the process. Bakura let his reflexes take over and caught him, wrapping his arms around Marik's midsection. It took the white haired boy a moment to realize that they were currently in the 69 position.

"Nice catch, Bakura!" Marik cheered. "I feel like we're in _Cirque du Soleil_ or something!"

Bakura didn't answer. He couldn't answer as his mind ran wild with all of those repressed daydreams that were of the 18+ rating. He quickly released him, letting Marik land on the floor as he hurried over to one of the wooden support columns and began hitting his head against it, wondering if this was what crack addicts felt when they broke out of the habit only to be tempted back into it.

"Bakuraaaa!" Marik whined as he got back up. "Why did you do that?!"

"Maybe I thought the fall would knock the stupidity out of you." Bakura lied as he rested his head on the column, refusing to face Marik until he regained his composure.

Marik picked up Bakura's leather pouch. "Are we going to try again?"

After letting out a deep sigh and ramming his forehead once more against the column, he turned around and walked up to Marik before yanking the pouch out of the tanned boy's hand. "I'll do it this time."

He expected Marik to protest, but instead he simply said a drawled out "Okay" before bending down to let Bakura climb onto his shoulders.

Bakura got on, pulled out the right tool, stuck it into the lock, and within seconds he was lifting up the bars and climbing out of their prison. The night air wasn't as good as a cold shower but it would have to do for now.

As dark clouds began to form overhead, Bakura made his way across the deck and latched onto the ship's railing, watching the waves crash against the starboard side of the mighty vessel. He almost felt tempted to jump into the ocean and imagined himself sinking into its depths, letting the waters surround him and cloud his mind of everything; eradicating those vivid memories of watching his family's blood flow in a seemingly endless cascade; of all the times he stood before the Pharaoh before falling to his knees, shame and broken pride washing over him and consuming his mind, making the darkness in his heart grow stronger as he cursed both his opponent and himself for failing yet again; of that moment when he realized that being with Marik somehow made the world seem a little more bearable.

"Wow, Bakura!" Marik's loud voice brought him back to reality. "That was amazing!"

"Not really." Bakura tried to say nonchalantly, but he could feel a slight smile creep onto his pale face. It wasn't often that Marik complimented him. "It was child's play for the King of Thieves."

Marik wrapped his arm around Bakura's and grabbed his Millennium Rod, pointing it at the stars that were feebly attempting to shine through the clouds that were taking over the sky. "If you are the King of Thieves, then I am the King of Steves!"

"What?"

"Oh, oh, oh, oh!" Marik raised his hand like an eager child in class who was confident that he knew the answer to the teacher's question. "I know how we can defeat the Pharaoh once and for all! We will find a guy named Steve and after you unlock Yugi's front door, I will command Steve to go in and TP Yugi's living room! And while Yugi is cleaning it up, we will sneak inside and-!"

Bakura placed his hand over Marik's mouth, cutting him off. "That's all well and bad Marik, but right now we have to be quiet and get out of here."

"Right." Marik said, looking out at the rough waters. "Do you have Aquaman's phone number?"

Bakura pointed at a rowboat.

"What is his phone number doing in a boat?"

"We are going to get _in_ the boat, Marik!" Bakura could feel his frustration rising to new heights. "Just get in!"

"Okay."

As Marik made his way to the rowboat while singing random songs to himself, Bakura began stealing whatever supplies he could find, putting them next to Marik and slapping the boy's hand whenever he tried to eat them. While carrying the last load, he felt something nudge his back. Did one of the crewmen wake up? But if that were the case, wouldn't he have woken everyone up, letting his shipmates know that their prisoners were trying to escape? Bakura turned around, mentally preparing himself to drop the box and grab his knife to slit their throat, and found himself face-to-face with a large white horse, who was eying the crate of apples that Bakura was holding.

Marik gasped and ran over to the stallion. "Artax!"

Bakura rolled his eyes, remembering that day when they had watched _The Neverending Story_ together. Marik had cried while Bakura laughed when the horse sank into the quicksand. "Marik, that is not-"

Marik hugged the animal's neck and began to sob. "Artax! Stupid horse!"

"We have to go, Marik." Bakura grabbed the hood on the boy's crop-top and began to drag him away.

"Can we keep him?" Marik asked.

"No."

"Oh, come on. Don't be such a frigging party-pooper."

"Would you please be quiet? You'll wake up everybody."

"Bakuraaaa!"

"For the last bloody time-!"

Bakura couldn't quite remember what had happened after that. All he knew was that now he was sitting in a rowboat, along with an Egyptian boy - whom he was trying to keep his distance from to prevent his feelings from boiling over - and a horse that was currently trying to eat their food supply.

When the horse - whose name was now Artax - tried once again to grab an apple, Bakura pulled out his knife, and the horse stopped when he saw the look on the boy's face. All of Bakura's frustrations, anger, annoyance, and forcefully repressed hormones had all mixed together like an evil witch's brew and had given birth to a bloodthirsty rage that sent a shiver down the horse's spine.

"Touch that and we will be having horse meat for dinner." Bakura told him in a menacing tone of voice that would give even Boris Karloff nightmares, and Artax quickly sat at the other end of the boat.

When their miniature vessel hit the water, Marik raised his hands up in the air, as if he were in a roller coaster. "Whee! Turn on the motor at full blast!"

"What motor?"

"That motor."

Bakura looked at where Marik was pointing and, sure enough, there was a boat motor sitting there. He decided not to question it and turned it on. As they sped off, Marik sat at the very front, letting the wind blow his hair in every direction as he laughed in delight and spouted out random quotes from _Captain Phillips_. Bakura shook his head at the boy's antics as he wondered why, out of all the people in the world throughout his five thousand year old life, he had to fall head-over-heels for someone like Marik.

He gazed out at the rising sun, and it somehow reminded him that even if they did somehow end up together, it would not last. Bakura had all the time in the world - as long as he was able to find new hosts to possess - but Marik's hourglass would someday run out of sand, and he would soon be forgotten by the world. Just another corpse to add to the pile. He lowered his head and wondered if the Heavens had cursed him to this fate of loneliness. First he had lost his entire village, and someday Marik would also . . .

"Bakura!"

He looked up and noticed that it was raining. When did that happen?

"Are you still alive, Bakura?"

"Do I look like I'm dead to you?"

"You were just sitting there all quiet and staring at nothing. I thought you had turned into a zombie or something. You didn't get bit by Zombie Boy, did you?"

"No, Marik. I did not."

"Well that's good." Marik stood up and Bakura watched the raindrops travel down the boy's exposed midriff. "I don't think I could handle a Zombie Bakura. You would probably keep trying to eat my brains or something. 'Cause you know what they say: The smarter the person, the tastier the brains."

Bakura felt tempted to say that that would mean Marik's brain would taste like moldy feet, but he kept it to himself. "You should probably sit down."

"You're not my real dad! You can't tell me what to do!" Right after saying this, their boat hit a wave and Marik lost his balance, causing him to fall over. Bakura laughed as he watched Marik attempt to get back up only to trip over his own feet until the Egyptian gave up trying to stand altogether and sat next to his partner in crime as he rubbed his bare arms. "Has the sky sprung a leak or something?! Where is all this water coming from, anyway?! Is it God's tears or something?! Why?!"

"You mean you have never seen a rainstorm before?" Bakura asked.

"I've never seen a rain anything." Marik's teeth began to chatter as he scowled and Bakura tried not to laugh at how ridiculous he looked. "I spent almost my entire life living underground, and even when I came out it was always sunny. I just assumed that even the sun couldn't take his eyes off me."

"Maybe this storm wanted a turn to look at you." Bakura said as he noticed that the boy's hair was sticking to his face and black eyeliner was cascading down his cheeks. He looked like a schoolgirl who had been dumped on prom night.

Marik sneezed. "I guess I can't blame him. Maybe I should make people pay money to look at me. Like, maybe I could get one of those boxes on sticks with the curtains and you can carry me around and when someone wants to look at me I-I-Ah-choooo!" He sniffed. "Bakura, make the rain stop."

"How would I even do that?"

"I don't frigging know. Do a rain dance or something."

"Marik, I'm not Native American, I'm British. I mean Japanese. No, Egyptian. What the bloody hell am I?"

"These are going to take forever to dry." Marik said as he looked at his soaked cargo pants before sneezing again. "Aren't you cold, Bakura?"

"Not really." He was, but he could hide it better than his companion.

" _I'm singing in the rain._ " Marik sang. " _Singing in the_ -Ah-choooo! Oh, this is ridiculous." He looked at Bakura. "Raise your arm."

"Why should I-?" Bakura froze up when Marik pressed his wet body against his, leaving no space between them. "Marik, what are you doing?"

"I need to suck your body heat."

"Then why don't you go over there and sit next to the horse?"

"I can't feel my legs."

"Oh." Bakura said as he awkwardly tried to decide if he should put his arm on Marik's shoulders or not. He decided to go with the latter.

"You don't have a lot of heat to suck." Marik pointed out.

"I guess my body is as cold as my heart. If I had a heart." Bakura said with a chuckle before he heard snoring and saw that Marik had fallen asleep, his head resting on Bakura's shoulder. He smiled slightly and placed his head against Marik's as Artax rolled his eyes, snorting at them before lazily placing his muzzle over the side of the boat to watch the waves roll by. Bakura looked up at the sky as darkness loomed over them. "I guess this curse isn't so bad."

"Didn't your mother ever tell you how to eat?" Marik said in his sleep. "Oh, she died? Probably from embarrassment 'cause you can't eat frigging spaghetti."

"Idiot."


	4. 16th Century Man - Part 1

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Mild Language / Mild Suggestive Dialogue / Violence]**

* * *

 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

"What do you mean by, there aren't any cars here?!" _I had to get out of Egypt, and fast! If Bakura somehow found a way out of the fanfic, I'd be a sitting duck. A sitting dead duck!_

"Just as I said." _the merchant said a bit too cheerily for my taste,_ "there are no cars here."

"Then how do you people get around?"

"We ride on that." _He answered, pointing at a row of camels that were leisurely moving their jaws in a circular motion, ready to shoot out their saliva at anyone who came within spitting distance. They wouldn't have been my first choice, but I was desperate._

"I'll take one." _I said before I began limping over to them._

 _Why was I limping, you ask? 'Cause Marik's underground home was a freakin' maze. A freakin' maze full of booby traps! Who the heck puts shooting poison darts and giant boulders that try to roll you over in their own house?! Well, technically it was a tomb, but still! But the traps weren't nearly as bad as Marik's room, which was filled with his secret yaoi collection. I'm going to have nightmares for weeks! And Bakura's room wasn't much better. His computer had a very risqué thiefshipping desktop and in the next room I found a table that had twenty one knives on it. Knives that he would probably use on me if I didn't get the heck outta here!_

"Easy, boy. Or girl." _I said in a quiet voice as I approached one of the camels._ "I'm just gonna get on your back and-" _And then the sucker spit in my eye. Lovely._

 _I turned around and went back to the marketplace, where I bought goggles and one of those head scarf things that made me feel like I was in_ Lawrence of Arabia _, and then I went back and clumsily got on. Well, the first few times I ended up falling off but eventually I did it and soon I was riding through the desert, hoping that I was going in the right direction. And as my new furry friend walked at a slow pace, I wondered what Marik and Bakura were up to._

"Nothing good, I bet."

* * *

Bakura woke up when he let loose a massive sneeze. It didn't surprise him. It had rained for hours. Thankfully the sun now shone brightly above them and had, for the most part, dried them off. But before that - right after it had stopped raining cats and kuribohs - Bakura had grabbed an empty bucket, took off his jacket, and wrung the water out of it and into said bucket, saying that they needed to save whatever water they could get, in case they ended up stranded for a long length of time. Marik had quickly followed suit and pulled his crop-top over his head. Or at least, he had tried to before it got stuck midway. At one point he went into a fit and vigorously fought against the light purple fabric, almost falling out of the rowboat in the process. Of course Bakura had found the whole thing hilarious, but he stopped laughing when the Egyptian finally succeeded in his quest of becoming topless and watched him wring the shirt, admiring the tattoo that covered the boy's back. He always found it quite fascinating. So much detail and not a single sloppy line in sight. It was a shame that Marik had to go through so much pain to get it; both physically and mentally.

Some time after that, Bakura had dozed off. He had remained awake when Marik slept against him, not wanting to miss the moment, but after the stuck shirt fiasco he had felt his eyelids grow heavy right before conking out. Now he was up again, but what Bakura saw made him wish that he had stayed asleep.

"Marik." He tried to keep his voice even, though it was proving difficult. "Where is the food?"

Every single one of the crates that Bakura had stolen from the ship were now empty.

"Being evil is very hungry work." Marik explained as he and Artax shared the last apple. "And when we need more, all we will have to do is make out with each other and Sponsors will send us food and-"

"This isn't the bloody _Hunger Games_ , Marik!" Bakura shouted before he sat down with a groan. "We're going to die out here."

"Oh, don't be such a Grumpy Cat." Marik said, waving a dismissive hand at Bakura's glowering face. "I am much too young and sexy to die. You, maybe not so much. But I have enough sexiness for the both of us, so you will probably be okay."

Bakura decided to ignore the unintentional insult. "We at least still have water, right?"

"Yeeeeaaaah, about that."

"Marik."

"I have to keep my sexiness at maximum level at all times to increase our chances of survival. So of course I had to take a shower." Marik reached down and picked up a shampoo bottle. "And I used _L'Oreal_ , because I'm worth it."

"Wait," Bakura leaned forward. "When you took this shower . . . you still had your pants on, right?"

"Of course not!" Marik said as he put the bottle back. "How else would I have been able to scrub up where the sun doesn't shine?"

Marik had taken a shower, completely naked, right in front of him, and he had missed it!

"Now that you mention it, Marik, I think I could use a shower." Bakura said a bit too hastily. "Maybe we should take one together and-"

"But we are out of water."

"Oh." That made him remember their current situation. He placed his chin on top of his intertwined fingers and tried to think of a way out of this mess before glancing at Artax. "I guess we could always eat the horse."

Marik gasped and hugged the stallion. "Over my dead body!"

"You will be dead if we don't eat him."

"Don't worry, Artax. I swear on my butt that I won't let anything bad happen to you."

"Don't you mean you swear on your life?"

"You think my life is worth more than my butt? You've clearly not seen my butt recently, Bakura."

"No, I haven't, actually." Bakura grinned. "Care to refresh my memory?"

"Can't we just catch some fish or something?" Marik, who wasn't listening - as usual - asked as he leaned over the side, causing the rowboat to nearly flip over.

"What would we even catch them with?"

Right after asking this, a half dead seagull sluggishly made his way towards them before landing on the bowsprit. More like collapsed on the bowsprit, his body laying flat on the thin piece of wood with his wings dangling over the sides. Bakura had to act fast. If he didn't, Marik would probably name the bird and protect him like he did with Artax. Their survival depended on turning this dying seagull into a rotisserie chicken. Without hesitation, Bakura pulled out his knife and got ready to strike. But before he could, a shark lifted himself up out of the ocean and bit off the bowsprit, taking the seagull along with it. This didn't bother Bakura, who brought his blade down on the shark's head and penetrated the brain, killing him instantly.

As the shark floated in the water like a dead goldfish, Bakura crossed his arms over his chest, which was swelling up with pride. "Dinner."

Marik looked at the shark and then up at his companion. "How are you going to get it in the boat?"

He hadn't thought of that. "Um . . ."

"How are we even going to cook it?"

He hadn't thought of that either. "Um . . ."

Marik sat down on the floor of the rowboat. "People say you're the smart one. Ha!"

Not long after that, Bakura found some rope and tied it around the shark's tail before pulling the carcass closer to the boat. When it was within reach, he cut off medium-sized portions and threw the hunks of pinkish red flesh into the empty crates, letting them marinate in the blood that covered them. Bakura surveyed his handiwork and wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, unintentionally painting it red with the shark's blood in the process. One problem solved. As for the other one . . .

Bakura grabbed one of the pieces of meat, leaned over the side of the boat, and washed it with the salt water before trying to hand it to Marik. "Here."

"You expect me to eat that?"

"Yes I do, Marik. Now eat it."

Marik shut his mouth tight and looked away.

"Stop acting like a child."

"Never!" Marik shouted before once again clamping his lips together.

"Fine. If you are going to act like one, then I will treat you like one." Bakura said before grabbing Marik's nose, blocking off the Egyptian's air supply, and he watched as Marik's tanned face began to turn red and then purple before finally giving in and exhaled, giving Bakura the opportunity he needed to shove the meat into his mouth.

Marik slowly chewed it. "It tastes like rubber."

"Quit your whining and eat it." Bakura said as he grabbed a piece for himself and bit off a large chunk of it, not bothering to wash it off and letting the blood stream down his chin. It wasn't the best meat he ever had, but it was edible.

As he ate, Bakura looked at the horse and placed a piece in front of him. He didn't really care whether the horse died or not but Marik did, and Bakura wasn't too fond of the idea of listening to him cry for hours on end. Artax sniffed at it and snorted, but he must have realized that it was his only food source because he reluctantly snatched it up in his teeth. Marik and Artax both looked miserable, but Bakura had no sympathy for them. They had to do what was necessary to stay alive until they found dry land.

He stared out at the ocean and furrowed his brow. They had food now, but they could have made do without it for about a month. It was water that he was concerned about. He turned on the motor and the rowboat sped off as he tried not to think about what would happen if they didn't get to fresh water in time.


	5. 16th Century Man - Part 2

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Suggestive Dialogue]**

* * *

 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

"What the-?" _I threw a quizzical look at the camel I was riding._ "Why did you bring me here of all places?"

 _He replied by spitting at my face, covering my goggles with a thick coating of saliva. I was used to it by now; so much so that I had named him Spittle. For some reason the name gave me a craving for skittles. And I don't even like skittles. But anyhow, as I once again wiped my goggles with my sleeve, I grimaced at the picture of a smiling whale carved into a rock to my left. It was really starting to creep me out._

"Let's go somewhere else." _I told Spittle._ "The last thing I want to do is spend the night in a place called Cum Town."

 _Spittle grunted, and I guessed he was agreeing with me because he turned around and went in the opposite direction. As he walked, I pulled out a map that I had found at the hideout. It was obviously Marik's 'cause it had random writings about the different locations scribbled all over it. But after scanning it for a while, I realized that it was 100% useless and threw it over my shoulder with a sigh. Was I ever going to get home?_

 _It wasn't until we had been traveling for half-an-hour or so that I practically jumped out of my seat._ "For the love of Pete, Paul, and Mary! Why didn't I think of it sooner?!" _I took a deep breath and sang,_ " _Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there._ "

 _A young lady with a white toothed smile and long dark hair suddenly appeared in front of me._ "What can I do for you?"

 _I half grinned at her and leaned forward, stroking my chin as I did._ "I think you mean, what can _I_ do for _you_."

"Huh?"

"Nothing." _I straightened up._ "Can you get us out of here?"

"Sure, no problem."

 _Before you could say 'bye bye desert', me, the girl, and Spittle were teleported into a large hotel room that was bigger than my entire house. As the camel wondered around to check out his new surroundings, I plopped down on the plush couch and stretched my stiff arms and legs. It felt good to be sitting on something soft that didn't bounce and spit._

"Thanks." _My half grin returned._ "Maybe we can order room service and-"

"Glad to help." _The girl from_ State Farm _said before she disappeared in the blink of an eye._

"I try." _I mumbled before I heard shouting coming from the TV. Next to me sat Spittle, who was holding the remote with one hoof and stuffing popcorn into his mouth with the other._ "I guess I'm spending the night with you, eh?"

 _Spittle stared at me for a moment before sending another projectile of camel drool at me. Lovely._

 _Once again I thought about those two teenage boys._ "They must be having a much better time than I am right now."

* * *

After licking his dry lips, Bakura glanced at Marik, who was slipping in and out of consciousness as he mumbled to himself. Just as he had predicted, they had been unsuccessful in finding land, and now they were withering away underneath the sun's brutal rays. Bakura had never thought in five thousand years that he would go out like this.

He tried to turn on the motor once more - which had stopped working an hour ago - but it still only sputtered before going silent. Bakura would have kicked it in frustration if he had the strength to do so.

"Are we there yet?" Marik asked. For a long while he had repeated that question like a child who was impatient to arrive at Disneyland, but now there was no energy in it and his throat sounded hoarse.

"No, we're not." Bakura sat down next to his companion, who was sitting on the floor with his back pressed against the port side of their watercraft.

"How about now?"

"No."

"How about-"

"Marik." Bakura had tried to raise his voice but his parched throat wouldn't allow it. After a long silence he continued. "There's something you need to know."

"I already know."

Bakura felt his non-existent heart skip a beat. "You do?"

"I have known about it for a long time now." Marik turned his head and the two of them stared into each other's eyes before, "I know you've been going into my room and reading my pornographic comic books."

Bakura blinked, unsure if he had heard him right. "What?"

"I saw you reading one of them."

He remembered now. His computer had broken down and he needed to satisfy his craving for gay sex. It was the only thing that kept him sane while living with Marik, forced to repress his raging hormones. "That's not what you need to know."

"Then what is it?"

"Marik, I . . . I hate you. I hate you with all my heart. I hate you more than I've ever hated anybody. I hate you so much that I can barely take it. In fact, I want to go on hating you for the rest of my life." There, he said it. Yes, he had to replace one of the words with something else, but now he felt like a huge boulder had been lifted off of his shoulders.

"Oh, Bakura!" Marik leaned forward, putting his face up close to Bakura's, who had to resist the urge to kiss him. "I had no idea you felt that way about me." Marik looked away and lowered his head. "If, if it makes you feel any better, I . . . I hate you too. I think I hated you from the moment I first met you."

Bakura hadn't realized until now that he had been holding his breath. Was Marik really saying that-? But then he remembered that this was Marik he was speaking to. He had to test it out. "In that case, Marik, if we survive this, let us make sweet hatred together. Just you and me. Hating each other. All night long." If Marik didn't get what he truly meant from that, then he was even more stupid than Bakura had thought, which was saying a lot.

"Yes!" Marik exclaimed before the rusty gears in his head began to turn. "Wait a second, are you coming onto me? I already told you, Bakura. I'm not gay."

Bakura slapped his hand over his face. Sure enough, he had been expecting too much from him. "We're in the middle of the bloody ocean and we're going to die out here." He looked at Marik and glared at him before he snapped. "There's no reason for you to hide in your imaginary closet anymore, Marik! So step out of it already, you f***ing wanker!" He had never yelled at Marik like this before, but he couldn't hold it in anymore. Bakura groaned as he looked away. Why did Marik have to be such an oblivious idiot? And why did he have to have such strong feelings for him?

The two of them didn't speak to each other until Marik said, "Bakura." He waited for the other boy to face him, and when Bakura turned his head enough to look his way he continued. "I . . . I'm ga-"

Their rowboat jolted slightly, and when the teenage boys scrambled up to look over the side, they discovered that instead of water their vessel was now on sand. They had somehow found dry land. They were going to survive after all.

With a loud cheer, Marik jumped out of the boat and ran around in circles and zigzags on the beach, laughing and giggling all the while, before he tripped over something, landing face first on the ground.

"Marik." Bakura said as he stepped out of the small vessel. "What were you going to say?"

Marik spit out a mouthful of sand. "What? Oh, right. That. I was, uh, just saying that I'm gagaga gorgeous. Yes! I'm not just gorgeous, but gagaga gorgeous. Which is the same thing, but better. And sexier!"

"Is that so?" Bakura crossed his arms over his chest. "Because it sounded to me like you were about to say that you are-"

"I'm not gay!" He interrupted, pointing a finger at his partner in crime. "And I shall prove it to you!" Without another word, Marik stomped off towards the dense jungle.

Bakura watched him go - glancing at his butt as he did. Marik had been so close to confessing. If only they had stayed out on the ocean just a few seconds longer. Why did he always get his hopes up only for them to be dashed over and over again? Maybe it truly was just not meant to be.

After letting out an exasperated breath, he grabbed the horse's reins and began following Marik. As he did, Artax saw an opening and readied himself to snap his teeth on Bakura's bum as payback for threatening to eat him earlier.

Bakura sensed what was happening. "Do that and I will ship you to _Burger King_."

Artax instantly stopped and snorted as Bakura saw a sword with dried blood on its curved blade, which was pierced through a human skull. This told him that the natives here weren't friendly. But of course, neither was he. Bakura walked over to it and pulled the sword free, like a grotesque version of Excalibur. He preferred his knives, but it would probably come in handy.

"Bakura!" Marik called out as he waved to him, a huge smile on his face. "Last one to El Dorado is a rotten egg!"

"Marik, we're not going to-" Before he could finish, his companion ran off. "Marik!" Bakura groaned and was just about to chase after him when he heard a scream. A moment later, Marik came running back, a small snake resting on top of his blond head.

"Get it off of me! Get it the frig off! Why is Odion never around when I need him?!"

"Hold still!" Bakura shouted as Marik ran in circles around him. "I can't get it if you don't-!" When he saw that Marik wasn't listening, he grabbed the hood on Marik's shirt and with lightning speed snatched up the reptile before tossing the snake into the ocean. "There. It's gone."

Marik breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Bakura. You saved my life!"

"I highly doubt that." It had been a harmless garter snake.

Marik grabbed his Millennium Rod and brandished it. "As a reward, I shall give you one-third of the gold I take from El Dorado!"

"We are not going to El Dorado."

"We are, too!"

"No, we are not."

"Are too!"

"Are not."

"Are too!"

"Are too."

"Are not!"

"It's settled then." Bakura said with a smirk as he walked off.

"Wait . . ." After a few seconds, Marik realized what had happened. "Hey! That's cheating!"

"No, you're just an idiot."

"I demand a rematch!"

"We are going home, Marik." Bakura placed his hand on his knife. "There's a certain someone I would like to send on a one-way trip to the Shadow Realm."

"But Bakura!"

"What?"

"We have to go to El Dorado so that we can get enough gold to invade Saskatchewan!"

"El Dorado can go to buggery for all I care!"

"Bakuraaaa!"

Bakura stopped and spun around. "No, Marik!" The tanned boy's face became crestfallen and he looked downward, halfheartedly kicking at the sand. Bakura massaged the bridge of his nose. He knew that if he took him home like this, Marik would spend hours - if not days - sulking. "Fine." He finally said. "We will go to bloody El Dorado first."

Marik smiled from ear-to-ear, like a child on Christmas morning.

"But we're going home right afterwords!" Bakura added.

Marik nodded vigorously and grabbed his pale friend's hand, dragging him towards the jungle with Artax following close behind.


	6. The Trail We Blaze - Part 1

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Suggestive Narration / Violence]**

* * *

 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

 _Let me just say that camels are horrible roommates. It was bad enough when I had to ride on his humped back and put up with his spit projectiles, but now he was hogging out on all of the food, covering the couch with his drool, shedding all over the carpet, and he took up the whole bed. So I was forced to grab a blanket and pillow and sleep in the bathtub, like I had once seen in a_ Charlie Chaplin _short. Thankfully though - unlike in the short - I made sure that there was no water in it first. It was incredibly uncomfortable, as you can well imagine. It was hard, and cold, and lonely. I tried singing the_ State Farm _song again to call that cute girl back, but when I did, a guy who was probably a sumo wrestler on the side popped in and landed right on top of me. I'm surprised that I'm still alive!_

 _And that's not even the worst of it!_

 _Right when I began to doze off, I heard loud music and the building shook on its foundations. Of course I got up to investigate. When I exited the bathroom, I saw that Spittle had invited an army of young people, who were all barely dressed and dancing to some very loud 80s music. Can you imagine? All I wanted was some sleep and to keep avoiding Bakura, who was probably coming up with different ways to stab me, but what I got was a party animal roomie. Well, party camel, if you wanna be specific._

"SHUT UP!" _How else should I have reacted to this? I was not in the wrong._

 _So why is it that right after saying what needed to be said, security barged in and dragged me out of the hotel, telling me that I was too loud and disturbing the rest of the guests? There is a freakin' camel blaring out rock n roll music and I'M the one who's too loud?! What has this world come to?_

 _After I was kicked to the curb, I stood and dusted myself off. At least now I didn't have to deal with Spittle._

 _Until they threw him out too. Literally threw him. Before he literally landed on top of me. He was almost as heavy as the sumo guy. Almost. But at least Mr. Sumo had the courtesy to get off and apologize for crushing me with his bulk, while Spittle merely sat on my back like I was a piece of furniture as he slobbered all over me._

 _I blew a strand of hair out of my eyes._ "Maybe I shouldn't have sent Marik and Bakura into the story."

* * *

"It's like we're Bear Grylls or something." Marik said as he followed Bakura, who was hacking away at the vegetation with his new sword, before he began to do a mock impersonation of the man he was talking about. "I should drink my own piss, and show off by jumping into quicksand, and strip naked in front of the camera."

If Bakura had dog ears, they would have perked up. "Strip naked, you say?"

"Yeah. He was completely bare. Get it? His name is Bear. He was bare. Ha! I'm funny."

"How did that happen?" Maybe they could reenact it.

Marik shrugged absentmindedly. "He was climbing an iceberg or something."

"Oh." So much for that idea. "Listen, Marik. I know how hard it will be for you, but we need to be quiet and-"

"SNAKE!"

Bakura groaned before turning around, expecting to see another midget reptile that barely qualified as an inchworm. But what he saw was no inchworm. It was an anaconda who was slithering down a branch, slowly making his way to Marik. Normally Bakura would have jumped in to save him - like a knight in black armor rescuing his princess only to regret it right afterward when he was forced to listen to her constant nagging - but this time he smiled to himself, crossing his arms as he relaxed against a tree.

"Bakura!" Marik called out as the snake hissed and flicked his tongue only centimeters away from his face.

"What is it, Marik?" Bakura asked, perfectly calm.

The anaconda slid onto his shoulder. "There's a frigging snake on me!"

"Oh really? I hadn't noticed."

"Damn you and your sarcastic ways!" As his white haired companion laughed, Marik flinched and helplessly watched the snake begin to wrap around his body. "Frig, frig, frig, frig, frig!" He looked at Bakura, who was examining his sword. "Aren't you going to do something?!"

"Why should I when I won't get anything in return?"

The snake was around his chest, pinning Marik's arms to his sides. "What if I gave you a dollar?"

"No."

"Two dollars!"

"No."

"What if I made you president of the evil council?"

"No."

"What if I made you president of the world?"

"No."

"What if I stopped calling you 'Fluffy'?"

"No."

"What if I gave you my Millennium Rod?"

"No."

"What if I killed Yugi?"

"Tempting, but no."

"What if I gave you all of my pornographic comic books?"

This made Bakura pause as he considered it. "No."

"Then what in the name of crap do you want, Bakura?! I'm being squeezed to death by one of Cornelius' relatives!" The snake was now working on constricting Marik's legs.

Bakura grinned. "All you have to do is one little thing."

"Just hurry up and say it!"

"You have to promise that-"

"I promise!"

"I haven't even said-"

"You can tell me when I'm not being squeezed like a lemon, 'cause I ain't no lemon!"

"Fine." Bakura swiftly brought his blade down on the snake, cutting the head clean off.

Marik unwrapped himself and held the snake's limp body. "Now all I need is a piano and-"

"Does the promise still stand?"

"What promise?" Bakura's murderous glare jogged his memory. "Oh, Right. That promise. It still stands, yes. Now what is it that I promised you so that I wouldn't be subjugated?"

Bakura snorted. "I think you mean 'suffocated'."

"Fine, whatever. Just tell me what the frig I promised."

A grin spread across Bakura's face as he walked up to Marik, placing his face close to his. "When we get out of here, and after I have murdered that writer who sent us here, I'm going to ask you to do something for me, and you will have to do it without question."

"Why can't you just tell me to do it right now and get it over with?"

Bakura swallowed as he fought off the temptation to agree to it. "It's not something that I want to do out here." This was true. He didn't want an audience. Especially an audience of jungle animals and Artax. Although the thought of doing it here and now did sound a little exciting, and the images that flashed through his mind made his face flush. Not that Marik would be able to tell, what with Bakura being so pale. And the fact that Marik never paid attention to anything.

"Can't you at least tell me what it is?" Marik begged, like a child who wanted his parents to tell him what his birthday presents were five months in advance.

"Why spoil the fun?"

"I hate being in the dark!"

"That's too bad." Bakura's smile widened. "Because that will probably be a part of it." The two of them, in a pitch black room, using only their sense of touch to-

"I command you to tell me, Bakura!" Marik said as he pointed his Millennium Rod at Bakura. "I won't take this lying down!"

"Lying down . . ." In a bed. Bakura's bed. As they-

"Can't you just give me a hint or-" Marik cocked his head to one side. "Your nose is bleeding."

It took a moment for Bakura to snap back to reality, and when he did and saw that Marik was correct, he quickly wiped the blood away. "It's just the heat."

"Heat causes nosebleeds?"

"Sometimes."

"I've never gotten one."

"Probably because you live underground."

"True that, Bakura." Marik paused for a moment. "Now are you going to tell me or not?!"

"No." Bakura answered as he grabbed Artax's reins with one hand and continued to chop his way through the dense foliage with the other.

"But Bakura!"

"I said 'no', Marik."

"Tell me."

"No."

"Tell me."

"No."

"TELL ME!"

This continued on for quite some time . . .


	7. The Trail We Blaze - Part 2

**Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

 _After Spittle finally got off of me, I somehow managed to get up as my bones creaked in protest and surveyed our surroundings. It turned out that we were still in Egypt, just not in the humid-desert-where-you-will-probably-die-in-1-point-3-seconds part of it._ "So, where to?" _I asked, and got a face full of saliva in response._ "You know, that's really getting old."

 _Spittle replied with a weird snort that was probably a camel version of a laugh right when a limo drove up next to us and a pair of hands grabbed onto my jacket. Before I knew it, I was pulled into the car and it sped off as someone slammed me onto the cushy seat. It wasn't until now that I saw my abductor. I had no idea who she was, but I knew_ what _she was._

 _The girl that was sitting next to me crossed her arms, partially covering the front of her shirt, which had a picture of Marik and Bakura making out with each other with the words_ **All Of The Homo!** _hovering above their heads._ "Why?"

"Why what?"

 _She leaned in close enough that I could smell her strawberry scented shampoo._ "Why did you do that to Bakura and Marik?"

"I, eh, what? Just," _I held up my hands._ "Just, please. Please back up a little bit."

 _She cocked an eyebrow._ "Why?"

 _I smirked._ "'Cause I feel tempted to kiss you right no-" _I got a punch to the face before I could finish._ "Was that really necessary?" _I asked as I massaged my sore jaw._

"Let's just kill her, Stacie!" _The driver, another girl, said as she peaked over her seat to look at us._

"Later, Marge." _The girl called Stacie replied before turning back to me. Even though I could see the hatred in her eyes, I couldn't help but stare at her face. It was round with a pointed chin; lips that were thin, but not too thin; large aqua green eyes; long dark brown hair with bangs that ended just above her strong eyebrows; and an adorable little nose. In short, she was definitely my type._ "Now answer my question. Why did you do it?"

"Huh?" _I shook my head to snap back to reality._ "I mean, I did it 'cause they had kidnapped me."

"Are you CRAZY?!" _Marge shouted._ "Do you know how many girls would kill to be kidnapped by those two?!" _A goofy smile appeared on her face and she began to drool._ "I would be in Heaven!"

"Watch the road." _Stacie said calmly. I liked this girl. Maybe more than liked._ "So," _She gently placed a strand of hair behind her ear and looked into my eyes._ "Are you going to explain why you did that to Bakura and Marik?"

"And you had better have a good explanation!" _Marge put in._

"Like I said," _I told them,_ "they had kidnapped me. And they were probably gonna kill me!"

"And now _we_ are going to be the ones who kill you." _Marge said a bit too cheerily._

"Lovely."

"Unless," _Stacie said,_ "you do what we say."

"Aw man!" _Marge whined._ "I thought we were going to kill her anyway!"

"Woah, woah, woah!" _I held up my hands._ "Back up! First off, how did you two even find me?"

"Gina from _State Farm_ told us." _Marge explained._

 _I raised my fist._ "The scoundrel!"

 _Stacie punched me again._

"What was that for?!"

"You were quoting _The Road to El Dorado_ , weren't you?"

"Well, yeah."

"How could you do that to our honeys!" _Marge snarled._

"Huh?"

 _Stacie pointed a finger at my chest._ "You sent Bakura and Marik into that movie."

"Yeah, but-"

"And we want you to bring them back."

"But I can't. It's like in season 5; they have to finish the journey before they can return."

"I love that season!" _Marge said as she began rambling on about everything she liked - and didn't like - about it._

"What if they don't finish the journey?" _Stacie asked._

 _I sank into my seat, knowing full well that they weren't going to like my answer._ "Then, uh . . . Then they'll be permanently trapped in the Void."

"WHAT?!" _Marge screeched, causing the car to swerve._

 _Stacie remained expressionless as she continued her interrogation._ "What's the Void?"

"It's where characters go when a story is left unfinished, and if they stay there too long they'll, well . . ."

 _Stacie grabbed my shirt and pulled me in close._ "If that happens to them, I will drive my hand down your throat and rip out your guts."

 _I believed she really would._ "It probably won't happen."

"It had better not!" _Marge warned._

 _'Please finish the story and come back.' I thought, hoping that my silent plea would somehow reach Marik and Bakura. 'For my sake.'_

* * *

When they reached a clearing, Bakura stopped and pulled out the map, which had a few blood spatters on it from when he had murdered its previous owner. Now he was filled with a new determination. They would arrive in El Dorado and steal the gold - making Marik happy - and then they would return home and have some fun together - making Bakura _very_ happy. It was a win-win all around, which was something that didn't happen often for the villains.

"We can ride on from here." Bakura said as he rolled up the map.

"I call shotgun!" Marik exclaimed, and Bakura shook his head at Marik's stupidity as the excited Egyptian ran up to Artax. "So, where is the on and off switch for this thing?"

"Haven't you ever been on a horse before?"

"No. But it can't be that much different from riding a motorcycle."

Bakura ignored him as he jumped onto the horse's back. He may not be graceful like Marik, but he was an expert with horses; both with riding and stealing them. "Get on."

Bakura had assumed that Marik would have no trouble mounting the horse, but once again he had assumed too much. First Marik placed his hands on Artax's rump and tried to pull himself up by hopping up and down while making frustrated grunts. After that, he tried to jump on and went too high, flying up and over the animal before landing with a loud thud on the other side. When he tried a third time, he made it by doing a belly-flop but slid off before he could right himself, his bum colliding with the forest floor. The pale boy was just about to offer a hand up when he stopped himself. Even though Marik was breathing heavily from his failed attempts, he had that look in his lavender eyes. The same look he had every time the Pharaoh was able to foil his plans. All of his childlike innocence disappeared and was replaced by a tortured teen who refused to be defeated. This was the side of Marik that people feared. It never lasted long. Only for a few seconds - a minute at the most. So Bakura kept quiet and simply watched as his companion tried again.

"I did it!" Marik cheered before he lowered his eyebrows in confusion. "Where's the head?"

"Behind you." Bakura explained, trying to sound annoyed. But it was halfhearted because he was currently too distracted by the fact that his back was pressed against Marik's, sending a shock wave of warmth coursing through his spine like a nuclear bomb going off in the middle of a crowded city, instantly incinerating everyone within close change and melting the skin off of the others. He hadn't felt this when Marik had fallen asleep next to him on the rowboat. But of course, he had been repressing his urges then, not wanting to feel disappointment upon realizing that his fantasies would never bear fruit. Now it was different.

As the temptation to make Marik fulfill his promise flooded his mind, Bakura leaned back slightly, closing any gaps between them as he felt the boy's body move with each breath. But Marik must have thought that he was trying to push him off the horse, because he rammed himself against his companion, causing Bakura to fall off.

"Take that, Fluffy!" Marik shouted, waving the Millennium Rod over his head as he laughed in triumph.

Bakura smirked to himself as he got back up on his feet. After dusting himself off, he casually made his way to the back of the horse and looked at Marik's smug face, who was silently daring him to try something. Bakura accepted his challenge by slapping Artax's backside as hard as he could, making the stallion rear up before bolting into the thick foliage, taking a screaming Egyptian boy with him. Bakura laughed as he heard the sound of Marik's cursing and panicked shouts, sidestepping when the horse came barreling through.

"Bakura!" Marik's voice was at such a high pitch that every dog in the world probably heard him. "When I get off this thing I shall-!" He couldn't finish his threat because the back of his head had collided with a low branch, knocking him off of Artax.

"Marik." Bakura tried to conceal his concern and forced himself to walk instead of rushing over to make sure he was all right.

When he reached him, Bakura saw that Marik had been knocked out cold, but his breathing was normal and when he ran his fingers along the back of the boy's head he only found a bump that would probably grow to the size of a goose egg. Bakura sat down and leaned back as he let out a sigh of relief. Luckily Marik had a thick skull. But now what was he supposed to do? Just wait until Marik woke up? But that could take hours. Maybe even all day. He couldn't wait that long. The faster they got to El Dorado, the faster they could get home.

Bakura let loose a loud whistle and a moment later Artax ran up to the two teenagers. When the horse came to a full stop, Bakura picked up the unconscious boy and put him on Artax like a bag of luggage. The thought of taking this opportunity to kiss him didn't even cross his mind. What was the point of kissing someone if they weren't awake to notice it? That's why he never tried anything when Marik was asleep. That, and because when the boy was in slumberland, he was always either talking in his sleep or snoring at the top of his lungs as drool spilled onto his pillow, which he would hug like a teddy bear. It wasn't a pretty sight. But sometimes Marik latched onto the long pillow that was almost as tall as he was and would wrap both his arms and legs around it as his lips spread into a goofy grin. Bakura was jealous of that pillow.

Once he was sure that Marik wouldn't fall off, Bakura grabbed the horse's reins and led him down the path towards the next location on the map.


	8. The Trail We Blaze - Part 3

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Mild Sexual Situations]**

* * *

 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

"I thought you were never going to wake up." Bakura grumbled as Marik sat up.

"Where the frig are we?" Marik asked as he rubbed his lavender eyes, staring tiredly at the campfire his companion had set up while he was oblivious to the world.

"After you knocked yourself out, I took the liberty of carrying your ass here." He pointed upwards, where the rocks that surrounded them jutted upward, leaving a single opening that revealed the night sky, where a cluster of stars shown brightly over them. The reason why Bakura had chosen this spot to set up camp was because the opening above them was the shape of a bird of prey, which was one of the markers on the map. "And now that you are awake, we can-"

"You carried me all the way over here?"

"Technically the horse carried you." Bakura explained, and Artax snorted to confirm it.

"Let's have sex together, Bakura!"

". . . What?"

Bakura blinked, and he suddenly found himself back in his bedroom, sitting on the edge of his bed. And in front of him was Marik, who was taking off his shirt. Most people would have been confused by this sudden change of scenery, but he knew what was going on. He had fallen asleep and this was another one of his dreams. Oh well. A dream was better than nothing. And he really needed this, since he was currently nowhere near his computer, where he could satisfy his cravings with thiefshipping fanart.

"Come over here, Marik." Bakura said with a smile. "And let me see that tattoo of yours."

Marik began to make his way towards Bakura, but before he could reach him, a portal opened up in the ceiling, releasing a volley of lightning bolts. Bakura merely cocked an eyebrow and groaned. Who was trying to interrupt his playtime with Marik? His question was answered when the female writer fell out of the blue and purple vortex and landed gingerly on her right foot, her arms spread out and a look of triumph on her face. Until the impact finally registered in her leg, causing her to fall over.

"What are you bloody doing here?" Bakura growled as he looked down at her. "Don't give me any more reason to kill you."

The writer quickly stood and crossed her arms. "I won't allow you to have sex dreams!"

"I can dream about whatever the f*** I want."

"Look, you!" She pressed her finger against his shoulder, but when she saw the murderous glint in his eyes, she chuckled nervously and stepped back before continuing. "This is my fanfic, see? And I'm a respectable Christian!"

Bakura smirked. "If you were what you say you are, then you wouldn't be writing this in the first place."

"Are we having sex yet?" Marik asked.

"In a minute." Bakura told him before facing the girl again. "Now be a good little future victim and leave me the f*** alone."

The writer placed her feet firmly on the ground. "I'm not leaving until you agree to keep this dream T-rated!"

"I am afraid you have no say in the matter." Bakura smiled once more and snapped his fingers, causing the portal to release a gust of wind that picked the girl up, much like the house in _The Wizard of Oz_ , and he laughed as she flew towards the ceiling.

"Florence!" The writer shouted as she spun in circles while the song _You Spin me Round (Like a Record)_ by _Dead or Alive_ played in the background. "You'll pay for this!"

"That's my line." Bakura watched as she disappeared into the vortex, which closed up shortly after, returning things to the way they were before. "Now," he said to Marik as he flashed him a lewd grin, "where were we?"

"Well, we were near a campfire before we ended up here for no apparent reason other than to please the fangirls and-"

"Just shut up and f*** me already."

"Okay!"

Marik, once again, walked towards him as Bakura ripped off his own shirt, throwing it on the floor. He could practically hear the writer screaming in protest as the tanned boy placed his hands on the other boy's lap, leaning in close enough for them to kiss. But instead, Marik pressed his cheek against Bakura's before drawing in a breath, telling the white haired teen that he was going to whisper something in his ear.

"HEY, FLUFFY! TIME TO WAKEY-POO!"

Bakura's eyes flashed open and he sprang up into a sitting position, causing his forehead to collide with Marik's.

"What? What is it?" Bakura shouted as he grabbed his sore head. "And it had better be bloody important!"

"Where the frig are we?!" Marik asked as he stood up, gesturing at the campfire and tall rocks. "I know we were in the middle of the jungle a moment ago and now we're here. Wherever the frig _here_ is! Am I hallucinating or something?! Maybe I'm high. Bakura!"

"What?!"

"Am I high?!"

Bakura sighed. The dream was officially over. "Well, considering how you behave normally, it's rather impossible to tell."

"Well, if I'm not high, then where the frig are we?!"

Bakura held up his hand. "Marik, remember your blood pressure."

Before the pale boy realized what was happening, Marik got down on all fours so that his face would be level with Bakaura's and leaned forward, their noses not even an inch apart. "Explain to me what happened, Bakura!"

Bakura closed his eyes and forced himself to push the boy away. Otherwise he probably would have taken the opportunity to grab the front of Marik's shirt and drag him to the ground so that they could continue where his dream had left off. "You knocked yourself out. So instead of waiting for you to wake up, I put you on the horse and brought you here." He grabbed the map and handed it to him, so that Marik could see why he had stopped at this location.

Marik continued to pout as he snatched the map and began scanning it before he gazed upward at the bird formation. "Oooohhhh . . ." He paused for a moment, his brain slowly processing everything that he had just learned. And then without warning, he clapped his hands together. "Oh! I just realized that I have not been doing any of my random work outs at all lately! How do I expect me to stay fit and gorgeous if I don't stay in shape?" Without waiting for an answer from his partner in crime, Marik dropped down and began performing push-ups that would put even a seasoned drill sergeant to shame. "You should do it too, Bakura! Your abs are as tiny as your butt! 'Cause you have no butt!"

"No thank you." Bakura was, how most people would put it, lazy. He didn't like doing any work unless it was necessary. Or if it resulted in him killing somebody. "I think I will just go look for some more firewood."

Marik paused from his push-ups. "But there's a pile of sticks right there."

Bakura's shoulders tensed. He had forgotten that he had already gathered more than what was needed while waiting for Marik to wake up. "Then I'll just find us some water."

"We already have that." Marik pointed at the full canteens at he stretched.

"Food, then. I'll just go and find some- Oh." Bakura rolled his eyes when he saw the lizards and small rodents that were skewered on sticks over the fire. He had been able to run quite a few errands while Marik was unconscious. After letting out a loud groan, Bakura sat down in a cross legged position and moped, his chin cupped in his hand as he watched Marik touch his toes. At least he had a nice view.

"Hey, Bakura."

"What is it?"

Marik straightened up and began stretching his arms. "You didn't try anything while I was out, did you?"

Bakura's brown eyes widened at the sudden and out-of-the-blue question. "What are you talking about?"

"I'll know in a second." Marik reached into one of the pockets on his cargo pants and pulled out a small mirror, which was much like the ones that women used. It made sense, considering how much makeup Marik wore. When the boy saw his reflexion, he breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness! I'm still gorgeous."

"Marik, what the bloody hell are you talking about?"

"As if you don't know!" Marik put the mirror back in his pocket. "You were thinking of drawing crap all over my face, weren't you? I've seen the movies, how the guy is passed out on the couch and the little children grab markers and draw a funny mustache on his face. You can't fool me, Bakura! Nothing can get past me! Not even myself!"

"Yes, yes, yes." Bakura mumbled before yawning. Sometimes Marik's endless rants were so tiring. And maybe if he fell asleep again, he could continue that dream from earlier . . .

"Are you even listening to me?!"

"What?"

"I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my plans for invading Saskatchewan! . . . Bakura? Bakura?"

Bakura didn't reply because he had fallen fast asleep, leaving Marik to talk and rant to Artax instead.

* * *

"We're here."

 _I woke up as Stacie grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the limo._ "Where are we?" _I asked groggily._

"At an anime convention!" _Marge announced, right when a hairy man wearing a Sailor Moon cosplay walked by._ "There're plenty of hotels here where we can lock you up. And the hyperactive fangirls will drown out the sound of your screams."

 _Lovely._

"Come on." _Stacie said as she began pushing me along._

 _As much as I loved the idea of being in the hands of a cute girl like her, I needed to escape. But how? Even if I broke free, there was such a large crowd that they would be able to easily catch me again. There had to be a way . . . I closed my eyes and concentrated until I was able to formulate a plan. It would be risky, and some may get injured in the process, but it was my only option._

 _Once we were behind the crowd and heading across the sidewalk towards the hotels, I managed to free one of my arms and pointed forward._ "Look! There goes Vic Mignogna!"

 _The crowd of cosplayers all squealed in delight and stampeded into me and my kidnappers, knocking us to the ground as their feet trampled on top of our backs and heads. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. But hey, at least it worked! I pulled myself up and darted off into the sea of sweaty fans. I was free! And hopefully I would stay that way._


	9. The Trail We Blaze - Part 4

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Mild Suggestive Narration / Mild Suggestive Dialogue]**

* * *

 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

 _Luckily I was able to blend in with the cosplayers and I merely followed them to a hotel they occupied, where I checked into a room under a false name, borrowed a spare Light Yagami costume from a guy who was about my height, and then I ducked into my new room, locking myself in as I breathed a sigh of relief. I was safe again. And this time I would stay safe. That was the last time that I would ever get kidnapped. I would keep my guard up at all times. I was like a ninja. A very manly ninja!_

 _With a smile on my face, I went into the bathroom and changed into the school uniform and paused at the tie. I always wanted to learn how to do it. But when I tried, it looked like a sickly sailor knot. Oh well. At least my hotel room had a flat screen TV. And Spittle wasn't here to hog it. Yay me!_

 _I stepped back into the living room to entertain myself with a marathon of my favorite anime but found myself staring at the couch; because on the couch was Stacie, who was glaring daggers at me._

"How did you-?"

"Through the window." _Stacie answered._

"Where's-?"

"Still unconscious."

"Oh."

 _After a very long and awkward silence, Stacie groaned._ "Look, I'm tired of all this running around. Let's just get moving, alright?"

"What can I do to make you not kidnap me again?" _I asked before an idea popped into my head and I began slowly swinging my hips around as I started undoing the knot in my tie._

"What are you doing?" _Stacie asked flatly as she raised an eyebrow._

"I'm trying to be sexy." _I answered as I tossed the tie aside, which I somehow accidentally threw out the window._

"You're about as sexy as a drunk armadillo."

"That sounded like a challenge."

"Please don't." _She said as I began taking off the coat while I stuck my tongue out._ "Just don't."

"You know you want it."

"I would rather have my eyes gouged out so I couldn't see you doing . . . whatever it is you're doing."

"I'm seducing you." _I said as I unbuckled my belt with one hand and ran my fingers through my hair with the other._

"I wouldn't call it that."

"Give me a chance, babe."

"I think I'm gonna barf."

 _I stopped._ "So, you really don't think I'm sexy?"

"Even Lon Chaney in full Quasimodo makeup is sexier than you." _Ouch._ "Now are you going to cooperate or not?"

 _I hung my head and sulked at the floor before I looked up ever-so-slightly, giving her my best puppy eyes._ "I wasn't even a little bit sexy?"

"No." _Darn! My cuteness didn't work! She's good . . ._ "Now stop wasting my time and let's go!

"Just give me one more chance!"

"No!" _Stacie said as she grabbed my wrist._ "Let's go."

"But you didn't let me finish my sexy moves!" _I whined as she dragged me towards the door._ "I was gonna dance around ya and strip to the song _Mo Cash_!"

"Really?"

"Actually, no. I've never even seen _Magic Mike_ and I was never gonna strip to my undies, 'cause I'm a respectful Christian."

"Yeah, sure." _I could hear the sarcasm in her voice._

"I really am!"

"Whatever you say, kid." _She must be the Queen of Sarcasm, who rules over the land of Sarcasmania._

"I'm as innocent as they come!"

 _She grabbed the door handle._ "Says the girl who was just trying to seduce me."

"And you weren't even a little bit attracted to me?"

"Get your butt out that door!"

"Right . . ." _I said as I followed her to my unavoidable demise._

* * *

"How the frig are we getting through that?"

The two teenage boys - horse included - had found the trail that they were supposed to take, but the path in question was covered in thick vines and branches that would take half a century to cut through. And they were both anxious to get to the other side as soon as possible so that they could arrive at El Dorado to fulfill their conquests - though they both wanted to conquest two totally different things.

"It looks like we will just have to swim." Bakura said, pointing at the body of water that would lead them to the other side.

"Swim?!" Marik walked up to Bakura, placing his hands on his hips. "Haven't you ever watched _Piranhaconda_?!"

"No, I haven't."

"Me either."

"Then why are you even bringing it up?"

"I am not going in there." Marik said, ignoring the question.

"Oh yes you are, Marik." Bakura glared at him. "And you're not only going to get in there, but you are also going to swim across to the other side."

"Make me!"

"Gladly." That is when Bakura pushed him, causing Marik to fall into the murky water.

Bakura laughed as the Egyptian boy sputtered and spit water and mud out of his mouth, his blond hair covering his face. "You're a very bad kitty!" Marik scolded him as he parted his wet locks, and the first thing he saw was a leech that had latched onto the tip of his nose. "Aaaahhhh! Get it off! Get it off! It's Cornelius II all over again!"

"If it isn't one thing, it's another." Bakura grumbled as he guided the horse into the water and made his way across. And the leeches, who felt his evil aura, stayed clear from him. Besides, Bakura is so coldblooded that he would give the leeches brain freeze.

Before the story could continue, Yugi opened the door to the booth that the narrator was forced to stay in. "Around these parts, whenever someone quotes from an abridged series that isn't made by _LittleKuriboh_ , they kinda end up getting their kneecaps broken . . . With a wrench." He held up the tool. "Specifically this wrench."

Oh s*** . . .

While the narrator filled the booth with their screams of pain and agony beyond power of speech, Bakura and Artax made it back on dry land as Marik continued to run around in circles, which, at least, kept the other leeches from grabbing onto him.

Bakura sat down on the grass and watched, a look of boredom on his pale face. "Are you quite finished?"

Marik halted. "Wait." He said as he held up a finger before screaming again and spun in circles three or four more times before stopping once more. "Okay, now I'm done."

Bakura let out an exasperated sigh. "Get over here so that I can get it off."

"Okay." Marik waded over to the riverbank and Bakura wasted no time in grabbing the bloodsucking creature, which he yanked off.

Marik yelped and held his injured nose.

"Like a band aid." Bakura said as he let go of the leech, letting it splash back into the water.

Marik was about to complain when he cringed upon seeing that he was now covered in sludge. "Crap in a bucket." Marik tried to shake his hands clean, which caused a spray of mud to land on Bakura, who merely rolled his eyes. He was becoming an expert at that. "Now my sexiness levels are too low to increase both of our chances of survival."

Bakura cocked his head to one side. For some reason, the mud made him look even more attractive. If that were even possible. Maybe this was how some men felt when they watched those big breasted women wear bikinis as they wrestled in the mud with a football. He watched the boy push his hair back as the sun began to set behind him. He was rattling on about something or other, but Bakura couldn't make out what Marik was saying. He was too busy drinking it all in. If only they had a football. No, forget the football. He wanted Marik to tackle him instead.

"Your nose is bleeding again, Bakura." Marik pointed out and he continued on as Bakura wiped it away. "Honestly, Bakura. It's not even that hot out here. You need more sun in your life. I mean, just look at how pale you are! One of these days I am going to take you back to Egypt with me where we can sunbathe together. I wasn't born with this sexy tan, you know! Ever since I was a child I have made it a point to sunbathe completely naked twice a week and now my butt looks gorgeous. Bakura! Your nose is frigging Niagara Falls!"


	10. The Trail We Blaze - Part 5

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Suggestive Narration / Violence]**

* * *

 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

It wasn't until his stomach growled that Bakura realized that they hadn't eaten since last night; and the sun had long since set, making way for the moon to take over the skies. But he didn't stop.

After he had lost what was probably a gallon of his blood from his nosebleed, Bakura had stormed off as Marik ran to catch up. He knew that he should slow down, but he couldn't. If he didn't keep moving, all of his feelings for Marik would erupt like a volcano. Now he regretted making Marik promise him that favor. Why did he do that? It was hard enough keeping himself contained when he thought there was no chance for them to be together. But now that there was a glimmer of hope that their relationship might develop into something more, it was almost impossible to control. It was like directing a teenage boy who had just reached puberty to a porno website before telling him not to look at the barely clad women who posed teasingly on his computer screen. It's just not possible to resist. So why did he make Marik promise?!

"Idiot." Bakura murmured under his breath.

"Bakura!" Marik called out as he struggled to keep up. The mud had hardened, making it difficult to move freely. "Are you trying to be effing Usain Bolt or something?!"

Bakura wished he was effing Usain Bolt. If he was, he could run into the distance, leaving Marik in the dust before he could feel the temptation to turn back around. "Just keep moving."

"But Bakura!" Marik felt Artax nudge his back before the stallion bent down the lower half of his muscled body. At some point during their journey together, the horse had grown to like the Egyptian. Maybe because his only other option was Bakura, who he still held a grudge against. Marik jumped onto Artax's back and rode up to Bakura's side. "Hey! I'm talking to you!"

"Piss off." Bakura increased his speed.

But it wasn't fast enough. Artax ran in front of him, blocking the way with the side of his body as he let out a loud snort, and Marik leaned down to look directly into Bakura's eyes. "Stop being such a Grumpy Cat."

"I am not a Grumpy Cat." He tried to get around them, but Artax once again prevented him from advancing down the trail. Bakura felt a strong urge to drive his knife through the horse's chest.

"Is this about the nosebleed?" Marik asked. "Is that what put your panties in a bunch?"

It was obvious that there was no getting away. "Of course not."

"Then out with it." Marik pulled out his Millennium Rod and pointed it at his traveling companion. "Tell me, or I shall rearrange your sock drawer!" He smirked, trying to look intimidating. "I'll mismatch all of your white socks, and it will take you hours to find the right pairs. Your world will be plunged into chaos. Sock related chaos!"

"How dastardly." Bakura said with more than a hint of sarcasm.

"I know, right? I'm so evil! I even put Obama to shame!"

 _Shut up_ , was what Bakura wanted to say. Whenever Marik got excited and talked about himself - which he did a lot - he held himself with a confidence that no one else could rival. He puffed out his chest like a proud rooster strutting through the hen house, flashing a devious grin. As Bakura stood there, watching the boy marvel at his own brilliance, he could feel all of the memories that weighed him down start to lift off of his shoulders. What was it about Marik that made him feel this way? He was just a stupid villain wannabe who had the IQ of a sea cucumber, and yet Bakura found himself constantly thinking about him. And the fact that he had a smokin' hot body didn't make it any easier.

"Speaking of anchovies,"

"What?" Bakura had blanked out and missed most of Marik's one-sided conversation.

"Bakura! I command you to feed me!"

"Marik, that only works on-"

"Feed me, Bakura!" Artax snorted. "And Artax, yes. But nothing too fattening. He's on a diet."

"He told you that, did he?"

"Why aren't you feeding us, Bakura?"

"If you will just pipe down then I will go and get you something."

"It had better not be another shark! If I wanted to taste that much rubber I would just eat a tire! Which would probably be more appetizing."

"We're in the middle of a bloody jungle, Marik. There aren't any sharks out here."

"Haven't you ever seen _Creature_?!"

"No, Marik. I have not. And let me guess,"

"Neither have you/I." The two teenagers said in unison.

"Just wait here and I'll get you something." Bakura said as he walked off, happy to have an excuse to leave. If he had stayed a moment longer, he probably would have ripped Marik right off Artax's back before jumping on top of him, letting loose all of his pent up hormones.

Since there was no cold ice-bath in sight, he subdued the urge by concentrating on getting some blood on his hands. His favorite pastime. When he was finished, he had both caught two fish by driving a sharp stick into their scaled bodies and successfully pushed back his feelings for the Egyptian boy. Nothing quite like a fresh kill to fight off lustful imaginings.

"Did you bring me another shark?!" Marik asked gratingly upon seeing the two piranhas that Bakura was carrying.

"Do these look like bloody sharks to you?"

"Just checking."

"Marik." Bakura's eyes widened. "You built a fire."

"What? You didn't expect me to eat it raw, did you?" Marik said as he sat down in front of the flames.

"I mean, you were actually able to build a fire."

"Of course I can build a frigging fire!" Marik's voice spiked and Bakura could tell that he was offended by what he had said. "We didn't have light bulbs when I was a boy in that tomb, you know. So whenever I wanted to read some yao-ahhhh, I mean, my straight pornographic comic books about straight men and women having straight sex with each other, because I'm one hundred percent straight, I had to light torches and read my firelight. And I was so good at it that Dad made me light all of the torches in the tomb every night, which took for-frigging-EVER! And I kept running into Cornelius who Dad said was just asking me to play basketball with him by biting me on the ankle and-"

"Eat!" Bakura demanded as he stuffed one of the piranhas into the boy's mouth.

"It's a step above shark." Marik said as he chewed it before, "Couldn't you have gotten me some churros while you were out?"

Bakura groaned and reached down to grab his own fish, only to discover that it was gone because it had been eaten by an armadillo, who was licking his lips as he rubbed his full stomach. No one eats Bakura's food and lives long enough to digest it.

Bakura grabbed the armored animal by the tail and held him up as he smiled cruelly. "Congratulations. You have just been put on the menu."

"Bakura!" Marik protested. "You can't eat him!"

"Why the bloody hell not?!"

"Because he becomes important to the plot later on in the script."

"Where does it bloody say that?" Bakura pulled out his script from his back pocket and skimmed through it with one hand while still holding onto the armadillo with the other until he found the page that, indeed, did mention the animal in question. He groaned as he let the armadillo go before putting the script away. "Fine, he lives. For now."

The liberated armadillo scampered over to Marik and climbed up, perching himself on the boy's shoulder like a featherless parrot. Now two animals glared at Bakura with pure hatred in their eyes, and he glared back at them.

"What should we name him?" Marik asked as he gave their newest 'pet' a piece of his fish.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to name your food?"

"How about Churro?"

"All that is going to do is make me want to eat him even more."

"Then you should have gotten me some effing churros while you were out getting me some effing food!"

"Whatever." Bakura knew there was no point in arguing. "We should probably hit the sack."

"Sack?" Marik looked around. "What sack? And why would we hit it?"

"I mean, let's go to bed."

"Well why didn't you say so in the first frigging place?!" Marik tried to lay down but almost instantly sat back up again. "There's too much light! How do they expect a guy to sleep out here?" He clapped his hands twice and on command the moon dimmed. After nodding in satisfaction, Marik lay back down.

Bakura opened his mouth to ask him how he did that, but then decided that he didn't want to listen to anymore of Marik's oddball explanations and got ready to go to bed himself. Even though every ounce of him was saying that he should lay down alongside Marik, he ignored it and placed himself a good five feet away. This was for the best. Or at least, that's what he kept telling himself as he tried not to shiver as a gust of wind hit him with the force of a tow truck. He turned around and faced Marik, who was snug and cozy next to the fire, his animal friends pressing against him to give the sleeping Egyptian even more heat.

"Bugger."

* * *

"So, what are you planning to do with me?" _I asked as my kidnappers taped me to a chair. It's amazing how many things you can do with duck tape._ "Kill me? Torture me? Force me to watch _The Teletubbies_?"

"You're going to stay right there," _Stacie explained,_ "until Bakura and Marik get back."

"But what if they never come back?"

"Then I guess you're screwed." _Marge answered with a smile._

"Lovely. Hey, wait! Where are you two going?" _I looked around the dank basement as they began to head upstairs._ "You're not going to leave me here all alone, are you?"

 _Stacie gave me a look of disinterest as she flipped the light switch, blanketing me in complete darkness before I heard the door close behind them. Things just keep getting better and better._

"What if I have to go to the bathroom?"


	11. The Trail We Blaze - Part 6

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Suggestive Dialogue / Sexual Situations]**

* * *

 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

"I'm hungry!" _I called out to my kidnappers._ "I gotta pee! I'm naked! Fire! Timmy's stuck in the well! Houston, we've got a problem! There's a shark in the water! The British are coming! The eagle has landed! E.T. phone home!" _Either they couldn't hear or they were very good at ignoring me._

 _After letting out a sigh, I tried to get my mind off of my current situation by relaxing. But as I did, I blacked out and found myself in the middle of a jungle, and when I looked down at myself, I saw that I was transparent. At first I thought I had died and gone to Heaven, but then I saw Marik and Bakura sleeping by a campfire. That was when I realized that I had the power to go into the story to check up on them. Cool! Or at least, it was cool until I saw what their location was. On a nearby rock was a carving of a fish, which I remembered from the_ Road to El Dorado _movie. That meant that their next destination was . . ._

 _My mind snapped back to my taped up body._ "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

 _I wanted to punch myself. Why did I send them in that movie?! Why didn't I remember that_ that _scene was in it?! Sure, I wasn't going to see it happen - thank goodness - but still! It didn't change the fact that they were approaching the hot spring, where the original characters . . . stripped naked._

 _The image of Marik and Bakura popped into my mind, the two of them without their clothes on with pixels blurring out their privates._

"We should do this more often!" _Imaginary Marik said in my head._

"How about we have some kinky sex?" _Imaginary Bakura suggested._

"Okay!"

 _I shook my head to remove the image. There had to be a way to prevent that from happening. But how? I doubted that they would be able to see me if I let my mind drift back there again, considering the fact that I was transparent and all. And I didn't have the typewriter, which I could have used to communicate, or at least alter the story enough to skip that scene. And then it hit me. Bakura was asleep, which meant that I could go into his dream again and somehow convince the guy to skip the hot spring! It was a long shot, but I had to try!_

 _After taking in a deep breath and letting it back out again, I closed my eyes and relaxed, forcing myself to fall asleep - which wasn't hard, considering how tired I already was. It didn't take long for me to conk out and I soon found myself back in the vortex before it let me fall to the ground and my head broke my fall. Ow!_

"What the bloody hell are you doing here?!" _I heard Bakura shout at me._

 _I rubbed my sore noggin and stood up, but then I quickly closed my eyes as I crossed my pointer fingers to form an X._ "DUDE! EW!"

 _Bakura was having another one of his sex dreams, but this time I had dropped in later on in the process. Although I did count my lucky stars that I hadn't come a moment later. Marik was on his hands and knees on the bed, staring at me curiously while Bakura was laying on his stomach underneath him as he glared daggers at me. If any more time had past before arriving, I would have been scarred for life! If I wasn't already. At least their bodies were covered by a blanket, which I was very thankful for._

"Get the f*** out of here!" _Bakura demanded as he pointed at the door._

"Believe me, I want to." _I told him._ "But I have to talk to you about something. Wait!" _I shouted when I saw that he was about to snap his fingers, which would make the portal appear and whisk me away again._ "This is very important."

"What could possibly be so bloody important that you had to come in here when I am trying to have sex that I severely need right now?!"

"I would prefer to tell you after you've put some clothes on."

 _Bakura groaned and I stepped out of the room so that he could get dressed. It only took a minute or two because he came out only wearing his pants. Well, it was better than nothing._

"Now what is it?" _Bakura asked._

"Okay, the reason why I came here is to warn you to avoid the hot spring."

"Hot spring?"

"Yeah, 'cause there is- Uh, Bakura? Why are you-?"

 _Bakura's expression had changed from annoyed to creepily happy._ "A hot spring, you say?"

 _I didn't like where this was going._ "Yeeeeaaaah, and you have to avoid it because-"

"Thanks for the warning."

"But wait!"

 _It was too late. He snapped his fingers and I felt my feet fly off the ground before I spun in circles as Bakura's laughter rang in my ears._

 _What . . . have I done?_

* * *

When Bakura woke up, he felt jubilated. Even though he loathed that girl with his entire being and had wanted to skin her alive for interrupting his fantasy fun with Marik, he was glad that she had told him this new information about their next destination. Forget waiting until they got home. He was tired of waiting. Tired of controlling his urges. Tired of stealing glances at Marik's exposed midriff. Tired of only having Marik in his dreams. And he was tired of this monologue!

Bakura sat up and stretched his sore arms. Sleeping on a rock covered surface had caused his body to get stiff and his side screamed in pain, but he ignored it. Nothing was going to ruin this day. Not that writer or those annoying animals that Marik had grown attached to. He shook his head. Thinking about these things were ruining his good mood. But he couldn't help it. He was worried that something was going to happen to prevent their trip to the hot spring, where they would enter a world of uncensored lechery.

"I need a bath." Marik, who had also just woken up, commented as he picked loose dry mud off of his arm.

"Well then, you're in luck." Bakura said, not even trying to hide his smile. "There just so happens to be a hot spring not too far from here."

"That's a relief! Wait a minute." Marik looked at him questioningly. "How do you know that?"

"A little bird told me."

"You can talk to birds? What, are you Snow White or something?" Marik gasped. "That explains so much!"

"What?"

"Where is this hot spring?" Marik asked as he stood up. "I haven't been able to wash myself since that shower."

"Don't remind me." Bakura still felt like kicking himself for missing out on that one. "If we keep following the map, we should run into it eventually."

"Let's hope that bird of yours is trustworthy."

"It wasn't really a bird."

"But you said it was!"

Bakura rolled his eyes as they made their way back into the thick jungle.

* * *

"This can't happen!" _I shouted, even though there was no one around to hear me._ "It can't! HEY!" _Somehow I managed to stand on my feet while still taped down to the chair and waddled over to the stairs._ "Untie me! I have to prevent yaoi from happening!" _When they didn't answer, I groaned before pacing the room. Luckily they hadn't also strapped my legs._

 _As I walked and my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I glanced up and saw an old phone on the wall. Perfect! I said a quick 'thank you' to God and hopped over to it. I couldn't use my hands, so instead I hit the phone with my head - which hurt, by the way - causing it to land on the floor. After taking off my shoes, I pressed the numbers with my toe and then let myself topple to the floor, landing on my side so that my face was only half an inch away from the phone._

"Come on!" _I said impatiently as the phone rang._ "We don't have a lot of time!"

 _There was a click and then,_ "Yeah?"

"Hi. Do you have some means of entering a fanfic to prevent something from happening?"

"Yes I do."

"Thank goodness! And do you know somebody who can come and get me out of here?"

"Yes I do."

"Great! How soon can you get here?"

"Yes I do."

 _Oh. Wrong number._

 _I groaned as I got back up and redialed._


	12. The Trail We Blaze - Part 7

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Suggestive Narration / Violence]**

* * *

 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

 _About an hour after I had made my phone call, I heard the door open and light streamed in like a passageway to Heaven. But instead of angels singing and blowing trumpets, a man wearing dirty overalls walked down the stairs while carrying a wrench, who dipped his hat to me - as if he saw young girls taped to chairs every other week - as he made his way to some pipes and began inspecting them._

 _I grinned. This was my rescue crew. He was just wearing a disguise so that he could slip in without tipping off Stacie and Marge. I was well on my way out of here._ "Hey."

 _My rescuer looked at me and pointed at himself._

"Yes, you. Over here." _When he reached me I said,_ "Thanks for coming."

"Oh." _He nodded, a big smile on his mustached face._ "My pleasure."

"Say, listen. What's the plan?"

"The plan?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, well." _He looked at the pipes._ "I am going to check the boiler first, and then I will be making sure that all of the pipes are secure."

"Code words." _I winked._ "Gotcha."

"Code what?"

"Code words." _I rolled my eyes when he shrugged. What was with this guy?_ "The words you say with your mouth. They're code words for my escape plan, right?"

"Escape plan?"

 _My smile faded._ "You didn't come here to rescue me, did you?"

"No!" _He said with a laugh._ "I am the plumber."

"Oh." _I said with a nod._

 _And then everything began to suck real bad when he pulled out a gun. And he was still smiling, as if he were holding a petunia instead._ "And I was also hired to shoot you."

 _Lovely._

 _Right when I got ready to start hearing angel bands, there was a loud crash from upstairs and theme music began to play from out of nowhere. The plumber assassin dude looked around in confusion and ran to the stairs to check what was going on. Big mistake. The door flew off its hinges, hitting the guy and sending him to the floor. I gazed up at the four men who stood at the top of the steps. It was the one and only A-Team!_

"I love it when a-"

"Do you have to say that in every episode?" _Face asked, interrupting Hannibal._

"Thank goodness!" _I said._ "But what happened with Stacie and Marge?"

"We don't know." _Hannibal answered, his teeth clamped tightly on his cigar._ "When we flew the plane through the wall, we didn't see anybody."

"You flew a plane through a wall?"

"I tried to stop it." _Face said, putting his hands up defensively._

"It was this crazy fool's fault." _B.A. argued, pointing a finger at Murdock._

 _Face placed his hands on his hips._ "You're the one who panicked and grabbed the wheel when we were landing."

 _I rolled my eyes._ "Girls, girls. You're both pretty. Can you untape me now? And why is Murdock being so quiet?"

 _When I asked this, Murdock began mouthing words but no noise came out. I raised an eyebrow when he began holding his hands up, as if he were doing a mime impression._

"He thinks he's in the Cone of Silence." Face explained.

 _I nodded in understanding - although saying that I understood any of this is quite a stretch - and then I watched as the four of them came down into the basement, stepping on the door with the plumper underneath it as they did. But instead of removing the tape, they picked up my chair and carried me off._ "Wait, what? Where're we going?"

"Back in the plane." _Hannibal announced with a smile._

"Oh no." _B.A. stopped walking._ "I ain't goin' back in there."

"Me either!" _I exclaimed._ "I'm terrified of flying!"

"Murdock is the best flier there is." _Hannibal said before looking at their pilot._ "Right, Murdock?"

 _Murdock mouthed some words that we couldn't make out._

 _I grimaced._ "That doesn't reassure me."

"I've been forced to fly with this crazy fool for five years and I'm still not reassured." _B.A. said._

"Let's just get in the plane." _Face begged._ "These running gags got old two seasons ago."

"Sorry to interrupt," _actually I wasn't,_ "but did you take care of the other problem?"

"Don't worry." _Hannibal's grin widened._ "We took care of it."

* * *

There was nothing quite like the taste of fresh meat. But even so, Bakura made do with some not-as-fresh fruit that were hanging from the trees around them. He didn't have the patience to go out looking for some unsuspecting animals. The sooner they got to that hot spring, the better.

"Do you even know where we're going?" Marik asked. "Are you even trying?"

"Believe me, Marik. I want to find it more than you could possibly imagine."

"This is the last time we take directions from a bird."

"For the millionth bloody time, it wasn't a-!" Bakura had cut himself off because while talking, he had pushed aside a branch with large leafs, and behind those leafs he saw what they had been searching for. He grinned from ear-to-ear before facing Marik, who was holding onto Artax's reins. "I believe we have found it."

"Whee!" Marik ran past his companion, Artax close behind, and immediately began stripping off his crop-top. "Come on, Bakura."

It was happening. It was really happening. "This," he said to himself, "is the happiest day of my life."

"Did you say something, Bakura?"

"Nothing at all, Marik. Nothing at all." He said as he ripped off his jacket.

"Maybe I should wash my clothes first." Marik thought aloud as he examined his shirt, which was covered with mud.

"We can worry about that later."

"I guess you're right. 'Cause you totally need this."

Bakura threw his shirt aside. "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean, I don't like to criticize, but you are starting to smell."

"What?"

"How long has it been since you have had a shower?"

"Marik, shut up. You're ruining it for me."

"Ruining what? Your hygiene? 'Cause you already did that. Oh no I di-in't."

After taking in a deep breath to refuel his patience, Bakura smiled. "Let's just get in, shall we?"

"Yes!"

As Marik began unclasping his belt buckle, Bakura feverishly worked at unbuttoning his pants. But before they could undress themselves any further, the two of them heard a sound that you would never expect to hear in the middle of a jungle: a police siren.

"All right," a police officer stepped into the clearing, "nobody move."

"Bulls***." Bakura growled. Couldn't he ever catch a break?

"Who are you?" Marik asked.

"Officer Trudge. Fanfiction Police." The man said. "Investigating reports of a possible fanfiction ratings violation."

Marik looked at his companion. "What do you think he means by that?"

"I couldn't hazard a guess."

"Some fanfics starts harmless enough." Officer Trudge explained. "They gives it a K+ ratings with two characters goin' off on an adventures into Twinkley Dinkley Land. Then the next thing ya knows, they ends their fanfics with them bumpin' uglies with each others. That's where Is comes in."

"What the bloody hell are you talking about?"

"Look, pal. This fanfic's got a T-ratings. That means the two of yas have ta keep those pants on."

"But they were naked in the frigging movie." Marik protested.

"That's movies. What ya see is what ya gets. But when one of those fangirls starts ta reads about two naked men, their nose starts bleedins because they imagines more than what's described. So I can't let this story continue in the directions it's goings. Not without severe repercussions-s-s-s-s."

"Look," Bakura said, trying to resist the urge to slit the man's throat. "How about we just turn off the camera before getting in. That way they won't see anything."

"Not exceptables. Just them knowings that you're not wearing anything will cause perverted imaginings."

"We're getting in there whether you like it or not." After saying this, Bakura continued to fiddle with the buttons and zipper on his pants.

"I never said you weren'ts." The police officer reached into a nearby bush and pulled out two black knee-length swimming trunks. "But you will have ta wears these first."

"But-"

"That's the conditionings. And if you don't, I will be forced ta send ya both ta Fanfic Prison. And it ain't a pretty place. No. Not pretty at all."

"But then how am I supposed to wash my beautiful bottom?" Marik whined.

"Not my problems." Officer Trudge held up the trunks. "So, what will it be? Are ya gonna cooperate and puts these on, or am I gonna have to ta take you guys in for questionings?"

Bakura glowered at him before yanking one of the swimming trunks out of his hand.

"That's what I thoughts." Trudge said "And now for some quick video editings."

Before Bakura could ask what that meant, he looked down and saw that he was now wearing one of the black trunks. And when he turned around, he saw that Marik had been given the same treatment.

"Now the two of yas can gets in." Trudge said before walking off into the dense foliage, and a moment later the two teenagers could hear the police siren fading off into the distance.

"It doesn't even look good on me." Marik complained.

Bakura remained silent and headed over to the hot spring, where he stepped in and submerged, leaving only the top half of his head above the water. It was hot. Scorchingly hot. But he didn't care. It helped clear his mind of the pure rage that threatened to lash out like a starved tiger from his cage.

"How is the water?" Marik asked.

"Hmm," was all Bakura said, causing bubbles to travel up to the surface as he wished that they were near civilization. If they were, he could grab the first person he saw and mutilate them to vent his frustrations.

Marik nodded, as if what Bakura had said was an actual answer to his question, and slipped into the hot spring, muttering a few frigs as he did. Once he was completely in, he got used to the temperature and relaxed, closing his eyes and putting his hands behind his head. Bakura watched him and felt tempted to swim over there and . . . but if he did, that Officer Trudge would probably come back and take them to that prison he mentioned.

Or maybe not . . .

But before he could make a move, Artax did a cannonball, causing a wave of hot water to rise up and engulf both him and Marik.

"Sod this!" Bakura stormed out of the hot spring.

"Bakura. What is it? Are you having a tizzy fit?"

Bakura ignored him. The horse was the straw that broke the camel's back. Now all of his sex drive was eradicated, so there was simply no point in staying in there any longer. He would just get dressed and-

"Marik, where are our clothes?"

"Up there." Marik said, pointing at the treetops.

Bakura raised his head and saw that there was a group of monkeys that were wearing their shirts and pants as they chattered and pointed at them, as if mocking the two humans, before jumping from branch to branch, heading deeper into the jungle.

Once they thought they were at a safe distance, the monkeys all dropped down to the ground and chased each other around, taking turns putting the clothes on. The one that had Marik's crop-top put it over his head and spun around in circles with it until he rammed into something, causing him to fall over backwards. When he removed Marik's shirt, he found himself staring up at Bakura, who was dripping wet and holding a knife.

Bakura flashed them a grin that sent a shiver down all of the monkeys' spines. "Now, which one of you wants to see the Shadow Realm first?"

"You killed them all, didn't you?" Marik asked when Bakura returned, who was covered in blood.

"Yes I did."

"Do you feel better?"

"Immensely."


	13. The Trail We Blaze - Part 8

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Suggestive Narration]**

* * *

 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

"Oh bugger."

Somehow they had come to a cluster of ancient trees. This wouldn't be a problem, except for the fact that the roots were as massive as Kaiba's ego, creating wooden hills that sloped up and down for at least a mile. And when Bakura touched one of them, he discovered that they were covered with a thick moss that felt slippery from moisture that remained trapped in it like a sponge. If they tried climbing them, they would probably slide right off and break their necks. But if they went around it, that might set them off course and their chances of finding the trail again would be quite slim. They had to continue on in this direction. But how?

"Okay," Marik stomped forward, placing his hands on his hips. "Which inconsiderate douchebag planted all these trees in the first place? They're just getting in everybody's way! I mean, there could be, like, five parking lots here."

Bakura rolled his eyes and ignored his companion - who continued to rant and bray about how inconvenient trees were - and looked at the map again, hoping that it would reveal a shortcut of some kind. It did not, which made him want to crumple the map into a ball and throw it into the distance. Killing those monkeys had only acted as a short fix, like drinking a glass of light beer when you really craved a bottle of whiskey. Now he had a short fuse, and the littlest things were setting it off. Including these stupid trees!

"What are you doing over there?" Marik asked, and Bakura saw that Artax was jumping from root to root with great ease. "Get back over here. You're not the Little Engine That Effing Could."

"I guess that horse is good for something." Bakura said to himself, now glad that he hadn't eaten Artax back on the rowboat, and called the horse over with a loud whistle before jumping onto the stallion's back. "Grab on." Bakura told Marik, holding out his hand.

When Marik grabbed Bakura's wrist, a tingle shot up the white haired boy's arm as he pulled his companion up, placing Marik behind him and filling Bakura with the same wave of warmth that he had felt when they were back-to-back in that clearing. But now it was more intense. Instead of a mere nuclear explosion, it felt as if the entire bloody world had become engulfed in flames and was reduced to ash. He could feel his hormones returning, and he felt tempted to get off and risk climbing the roots. But he didn't get the chance to. Artax had begun to jump, causing Marik to wrap his arms around Bakura's waist to keep himself from falling. Perverted fantasies began to enter his mind once more. Before, he would have told himself that this was as close as they would ever get to second base. But now . . .

"Get! . . . Me! . . . Off! . . . This! . . . Effing! . . . Thing!" Marik shouted between hops.

Well, that certainly killed the mood.

Soon Marik's constant yelling was causing Bakura's ears to ring, and he felt a tad disappointed that Marik wasn't taking this opportunity to let his hands lower and grab something else. Wasn't he at least a little bit turned on by this? Bakura began to wonder if he should have let Marik ride in the front. That changed when Marik squeezed him tighter, holding on for dear life. The only way they could have been closer was if they were completely nude, and in Bakura's mind they were.

"Bakura." Marik whined as he placed his chin on Bakura's shoulder. "Make it stop."

"Quit your whining. We'll be there before you know it."

"I don't feel so good." And he didn't look so good either. Bakura saw that the boy's tanned face had turned a sickly shade of green.

"Marik-" was all that Bakura could say before Marik tossed his cookies.

* * *

 _It felt like hours before the A-Team finally stopped bickering and came up with a plan. They had decided to let BA drive me to . . . wherever it was that they were taking me, while the others flew with Murdock. I didn't argue and soon they grabbed my chair once more and we were heading upstairs. But what we found up there made us all gulp. An army of guns were pointed right at us, and the ones holding these weapons was a harem of women. Women. Lots and lots of women._

"Hey, man!" _BA shouted as he glared at me._ "You just about drooled all over me!"

"I'll handle this." _Face said with a confident smile as he strutted forward._ "Hi, girls. How are you all doing?" _They didn't answer._ "Ah, well. Good to know." _He tried to laugh, but they weren't buying it._ "Listen. We just want to take our little-"

"Little?!" _I interrupted. Why did everybody have to make fun of my height? It wasn't my fault that I was the child of two short parents!_

"Our _client_ to that plane over there." _He held out his hands and smiled._ "You wouldn't mind lowering the guns, right? And maybe some of you could even come on board with me and-"

"Dude." _I jolted my head, indicating that he should come over._

"What is it?" _He asked._

 _I rolled my eyes._ "Come here."

 _He mimicked my gesture and grinned at the girls._ "Would you please excuse me for a sec?" _When he walked over to me, his smile was gone._ "What?"

"Dude, they're not going to listen to you."

"I know they seem a bit hostile right now, but-"

"No, like really. They are not going to listen to you."

"She's right." _Hannibal said as he pointed at the feminine battalion in front of us with his trademark cigar. Every one of them was wearing yaoi T-shirts with pictures from a wide array of different anime._

"They only listen to fellow fangirls and gay characters." _I explained._ "Actually, mainly just gay characters."

"Oh." _Face held his hands up in surrender and the others followed, dropping me in the process. Ow!_

"There's no getting away from us this time." _In spite of our situation, I smiled when I saw Stacie step forward._ "Surrender now while you still have limbs." _And there goes my smile._

"You can handle it from here." _Face told me before walking off with his friends, who were heading for the exit._

"Wait a ding-dong minute!" _I shouted._ "You guys are just leaving me?!"

"I ain't stickin' 'round here to be put in some fangirl's fanfic." _BA said as he marched to the door._

"I'm too old to be in a slash fanfic." _Hannibal explained as he placed a gloved hand on his back for emphasis._

"I can't let them ruin my reputation." _Face said apologetically as he too headed for the door, followed by Murdock, who was telling me something by mouthing words that I couldn't hear._

 _After the door closed, I was left completely alone and at the mercy of a horde of happy trigger-finger chicks who were thirsty for blood. My blood._

"Any last words?" _Stacie asked._

 _I opened my mouth to ask if I could get a goodbye kiss when the windows shattered and more women poured in. I must have died and gone to Heaven!_

"What's going on?" _Stacie asked before looking at me. But I was too busy checking out the view._

"Who are you guys?!" _Marge demanded._

 _They showed us their shirts, which had anti-yaoi pictures and fonts on them. I could practically hear the girls growling at each other, and it kinda turned me on . . ._

"You're drooling all over the carpet!" _Marge complained._

 _Stacie groaned before unstrapping me from the chair. I would've tried to escape, but she had grabbed the back of my shirt before I could even make a move. I didn't complain, though._ "Did you come for this idiot?" _Stacie asked the yaoi haters._

 _Their leader, a cute girl with wavy chestnut colored hair and wearing a jean skirt and red jacket, stepped forward with a smirk._ "Sorry to interrupt your little pervert parade, and I do feel embarrassed for saying this, but we do share a common goal."

"Oh?" _Stacie cocked one of her strong eyebrows._ "And what's that?"

 _The other girl's smile widened._ "We also want to kill her."

"What?!" _Why did everybody want me dead? I wasn't that unpleasant of a person, was I? I mean, yeah, I liked staring at pretty girls, but it's legal in all fifty states now, right?_ "Why do you guys wanna kill me?"

 _She crossed her arms and glared at me with icy blue eyes._ "You were writing a yaoi fanfic."

"Well, technically it's a shonen-ai." _There is a difference._

"And that we can not forgive." _She let out a small laugh, and as soon as she lowered her head, all of her followers pointed their guns at me._ "Slash fanfiction is an insult to the original author." _The anti-yaoi leader pointed a finger at me._ "For that, you must die!"

"You can't kill her!" _Marge protested._

"Marge." _Tears of joy appeared in my eyes. And now that I thought about it, she was quite a looker herself. What with her long black hair and dark eyes. She also wore a lot of blue, and I love blue. Especially on her._

"Quit your drooling." _Stacie said before punching me._

"You can't kill her," _Marge explained,_ "'cause we called first dibs! We're supposed to be the ones who kill her!"

 _Why does every female I fall for wanna kill me?!_

 _The yaoi fangirls and yaoi haters all pointed their weapons at each other and began throwing insults while explaining their reasons for wanting to murder me and how they would do it. As you can imagine, I didn't wanna be a part of that discussion. So I tried to sneak away while they were busy. But that's kinda hard to do when there're around twenty girls in the room with you._

"She's getting away!" _One of them shouted._

 _I bolted out the door and soon I was being chased down the street by an angry mob._

"This isn't _Tokyo Gore School_!" _I cried out as I kept running to stay alive._


	14. The Trail We Blaze - Part 9

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Suggestive Narration]**

* * *

 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

"Are you, uh, feeling better?" Bakura asked. This wasn't something that a lot of villains asked very often. Especially to each other.

"I'm okay." He certainly did look a lot better.

As it turned out, Marik had simply gotten carsick. Or, horsesick in this case. And by the time they arrived at their current destination - a chasm with a waterfall next to it, which was drowning out the sounds of the jungle that they had grown so accustomed to - Marik was already nearly fully recovered. Bakura was just grateful that Marik had had the sense of turning his head away from him before puking. Cleaning vomit from his jacket wasn't exactly what he would call a good time. He made a mental note not to let Marik ride with him when the horse had to do a lot of jumping. And luckily, the chasm didn't require any major movement on the horse's part. There was a tall tree that had fallen at one point, creating a bridge that they could cross.

It took a bit of coaxing, but Bakura was somehow able to convince Artax to carry them across the fallen tree that would hopefully stay intact. But it looked solid enough, so Bakura wasn't worried. Unlike Marik and the horse, who both stared at the raging waters and jagged rocks below as they made their way to the other side.

"Hey." Marik poked Bakura's shoulder when they had made it halfway. "Hey, Bakura." Another poke. "Hey, hey Bakura." Another poke. "Hey, Bakura."

"What?!"

"We're on a bridge, Bakura!"

The pale boy groaned. Why did Marik have to be so-

Bakura's train of thought was broken when he noticed how dark it had suddenly become, and it was only a few measly seconds before rain began to plummet like liquid bullets, instantly drenching them. But they had bigger problems. The rain had made the tree underneath them slick, so Artax was losing his footing with every other step. If they didn't make it to the other side soon, they would probably end up falling off and either drowning or having their brains bashed in. They had to risk running for it. Bakura slammed his heels against the horse's sides, making Artax bolt.

It seemed like eternity, but it was only mere seconds before Artax got close enough to jump to safety, where he clumsily landed and stopped as he panted, both from exhaustion and the realization that they had almost died. Bakura was also breathing hard, but not from fear. He had gotten rid of all traces of that emotion thousands of years ago.

"Are you alright, Bakura?" Marik asked his companion, who was covering his face with his hand.

No, he wasn't. In that brief moment, when they had thought that they might meet their demise, all Bakura could think about was getting Marik to safety; and that he would have happily faced death if it meant Marik would survive. He had never felt this way before. Except maybe for when he had watched his friends and family's blood spill out of them like juice from crushed fruit.

Why did he feel this strongly about him? It had been fine when he thought of it more from a sexual point of view, but Marik was now making him . . . soft. In other words, weak. But that seemed little in comparison to the other realization he had. The same one he had idly thought about when they had first set sail on the rowboat. Marik was a mortal. Just one wrong step and his life would be snuffed out. If Bakura had fallen down the chasm, the Millennium Ring would just have to wait until a new host appeared. It would probably take a few hundred, if not a thousand, years for that to happen. But all-in-all, Bakura would still be alive through all that time. While Marik would have been swept away by the currents before his body sunk to the bottom, where it would decay and become nothing but bones, torn up fabric, and gold jewelry that would try to shine in the murky waters. And no one would ever know what had happened to him. No one except Bakura. What would have happened if all of that had accrued? If he was forced to live all those years inside the Ring, knowing that Marik was dead?

That's when he knew that he had allowed himself to become too attached. His only purpose was to make the Pharaoh pay by giving him the painful death that the bastard deserved and to collect all of the Millennium Items. Those two goals had been the only ones to consume his mind for so long. And then he had met Marik. At first, he had thought that he was an easy ticket to finding an easier and faster way to get to their enemy and the Items. It was business and nothing more. But he soon found himself constantly looking at Marik's exposed midriff because the boy kept flaunting it day in and day out. But it was just casual lusting. The same way that men tend to watch young women walk by and undress them in their minds. How could he help it? Marik was constantly going on about how sexy he was, and it was impossible to disagree. And then somewhere down the line, his feelings for him grew into something more than just physical desire. Was it when Marik had one of his Melvin dreams and Bakura had found himself hugging the sobbing Egyptian? It could have even been a combination of all those nights when he had to step in to chase the boy's demons away. Or maybe it was from wanting him for so long. Maybe he had simply gotten too used to him, like a child with a new pet that he knew only had a few years to live but had somehow convinced himself that they would live forever.

Many more theories rushed through Bakura's mind, and he wondered if this feeling was anything like seeing your life flash before your eyes. Except the only moments of his life that he saw was his time with Marik.

"Come on, Bakura. Say something for frig's sake!"

Bakura turned his head around to face Marik, who was glaring at him. Any other time he would have thought that Marik's pouting looked cute and he would have felt that urge to kiss him. But not now. Maybe not ever again. It would be better for the both of them if he went back to how he had seen him when they first met: a stupid boy who was the foe of his worst enemy. Nothing more and nothing less. If he did that, it would save him a lot of heartache later on.

"We had better find some shelter." Bakura said before getting off the horse.

"Okay." Marik slid off and the two of them began their search.

Lightning struck overheard as Bakura tried to concentrate on the task at hand, but he found himself glancing in Marik's general direction as he told himself that he was simply making sure that he didn't get lost. Now that he was trying to forget about him, he wanted Marik even more. This is how it always is when someone is told to stay away from something. They instantly want to break the rules and go for it, even if it might be life threatening. Why couldn't he just forget about him? And it didn't help that Marik wasn't the type you could just ignore, what with his loud voice and revealing clothes.

Bakura stopped looking as a sudden thought came to him. The only reason why he was going to El Dorado in the first place was because it would make Marik happy and he had made that promise. But he didn't want to let himself care about him, and wanting Marik was one of the reasons why it was so hard to be around him.

The earth shook under his feet as thunder boomed overheard. This wasn't exactly the most romantic of settings, but who cared about romance? He was simply going to make Marik fulfill a promise. And then once that was over, he would convince him to forget El Dorado and go back home. If he refused, Bakura would just leave him here. Maybe that would even be for the best. He was planning on parting ways with him, so why not do that sooner than planned? Leaving Marik behind in this fanfiction would probably be the easiest thing. A part of him wondered if he should forget about the promise and try to leave right now. But he needed something, and he wanted to be able to convince himself that he had no regrets.

"Did you find something, Bakura?" Marik asked as his companion walked towards him.

Bakura placed his hands on the Egyptian boy's shoulders. "Marik." He watched droplets travel down the boy's tanned face and drip from his blond hair. "About that promise you made."

"What about it?" Marik asked, clueless as ever.

Now that he was so close, Bakura found himself faltering. Was it because he had been unable to get to this point for so long that he now expected something to happen to prevent him from advancing? Or was it because he knew that after this, they would never see each other again? And the constant downpour wasn't helping either.

"Well, out with it!" Marik demanded. "I command you to speak up! The power of my midriff compels you!"

Bakura let go and looked away. "Never mind."

Marik gave him a quizzical look before shrugging it off, continuing his search for a dry place to wait out the storm and once again complaining about there being too many trees as he did.

' _You did the right thing_.'

Bakura knew that voice. He grabbed the Millennium Ring and glared at it. "What do you bloody want?"

' _I just wanted to tell you that you would have regretted what you were about to do_.'

Bakura smirked, but there was no emotion in it. Just strain. "And is that supposed to make me feel better?" He forced himself to chuckle and let the Item sway back and forth. "I think you have spent too much time cheering on the sidelines. You're beginning to forget that I'm the one who is going to murder all of your friends."

' _I haven't forgotten_.' He replied coldly.

"Then why are you trying to help me?"

' _It's because I care about my friends that I can see how much you care about yours_.'

Bakura glared at the Item before giving it a vacant expression as he put the Ring between his chest and shirt. "He is not my friend."

"Bakura!" Marik was waving at him, Churro and Artax standing nearby.

' _You shouldn't push him away_.' Ryou told him.

"And you should know when to shut up." Bakura growled before making his way towards Marik and his animal pals.

"Look what we found, Bakura!" Marik grabbed Bakura's arm and began to drag him off.

Even though it was still raining with no end in sight, Bakura felt as if the clouds had suddenly parted. "Marik."

"It took us for-frigging-ever to find it."

Bakura felt the defenses that he had tried so hard to put up crumble around him. Like the walls of Jericho crashing down from mere trumpets being played, Bakura had become vulnerable from Marik's touch and idiotic smile. What was it about this boy that made him want to release his hatred and actually let himself be, dare he say it, happy?

The two teenagers came to a stop and Bakura looked at the giant leaf that lay in front of him. No, it wasn't a giant leaf. It must have been one of the biggest leafs in existence! Just that one leaf alone could shelter him, Marik, Churro, and even Artax! How did this freak of nature come into being?

As Bakura raised an eyebrow at this strange phenomenon, Marik let out a big sneeze.

"Even my sneezes are sexy." Marik said before letting another one loose.

"Let's get under here." Bakura grabbed the leaf and held it up as everyone took cover. And once Marik was sitting under their shelter, Bakura found himself sliding over and pressing himself against him.

"Why are you sitting so close to me?" Marik asked in annoyance, despite the fact that he had done the exact same thing the last time it had rained on them.

"There isn't enough room." This was a lie, of course.

"Then get your own overly sized leaf to hide under."

"There aren't any others."

"There's like a huge pile of them right there, Bakura!" Marik gestured at the pile of leafs that wasn't even five feet away from them.

"I don't like them as much."

"Get out of my frigging shade!"

"Marik."

"What?"

Bakura pointed at the sky. "It stopped raining." Sure enough, the rain had stopped as quickly as it had started.

"It's about frigging time!" Marik said as he and the animals stood up and began making their way towards the trail, not noticing that Bakura was still rooted to the spot.

' _Does this mean that you're not going to abandon him_?' Ryou asked.

Bakura got on his feet. "After we arrive at El Dorado, I'll have him fulfill his promise and then I'll leave him here." That way Marik won't have to live the life of a cursed villain that was destined to lose anyway. And most of all, he won't have to watch Marik leave him behind.

' _You're going to regret this_.'

"Tell me something I don't know."


	15. The Trail We Blaze - Part 10

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language]**

* * *

 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

"Frig, frig, frig, frig, frig!" Was all that Marik could say as they neared yet another chasm. But instead of a fallen tree, there were tall rocks that acted as stepping stones, meaning that Artax would have to jump from rock to rock.

Bakura stiffened when his companion wrapped his arms around him once more. He was beginning to get used to it, but vivid images still danced in his mind whenever Marik latched on like a baby koala hanging onto his mother. "Just hold on."

"What the hell do you think I'm doing?! Dancing the frigging polka?!"

Bakura cringed. Why did Marik have to have such strong vocal cords? He wondered if he was going to go deaf by the time they reached their destination. "I just meant that you should hang on until we reach the other side."

"Well DUH! I already knew that!"

"Well if you do, then would you please shut up?"

"No, you shut up!"

"I asked you first."

"I asked you second!"

"That doesn't bloody count!"

"Why does everything have to be bloody with you?"

"You've known me for five years, and you're just now asking this question?"

"I just hadn't thought about it."

"Like everything else."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"It means that you're a wanker."

"No I'm not!"

"Stop shouting into my bloody ear! Buggering bastard."

"Inappropriate use of the word 'bugger'!"

"I can say 'bugger' however the bloody hell I want!"

"Don't make me turn this car around!"

"This isn't a bloody car, and you're not the one who is driving it!"

"Then don't make me make you turn this horse around!"

"I would like to see you try."

"I would if I wanted to."

"So try it."

"I choose not to."

"You choose not to because you can't."

"Whenever you open your mouth, you always find a way to piss me off!"

"And whenever you open yours, you sound like an idiot."

"Sometimes I wonder why I ever asked you to join forces with me in the first frigging place!"

"I wonder that myself."

"Maybe when we get to El Dorado, we should part ways!"

"Fine, Marik! Let's do just that!"

This made Marik pause. "You really mean that?"

Bakura was surprised by how hurt Marik sounded. He sighed. "Of course not." Lying always came easily to him, and yet he had difficulty saying those three words.

"Well good." Marik nodded in satisfaction. "After all, who else would do my laundry?"

Bakura groaned.

"And you would be totally lost without me." Marik continued. "You need me, Bakura."

Need you. Want you. Crave you. "Is that so?"

" _Don't you know, you need me._ " Marik sang. " _Don't you see, believe me. Before you act so hasti_ -AAAAHHHH!"

Artax had leapt onto the first rock and was now jumping onto each one to get to the other side of the chasm, Marik screaming and bursting Bakura's eardrum all the while.

* * *

 _I had been running for who-knows-how-long when I finally turned around to face the stampede of women._ "STOP!"

 _To my surprise, they actually did as I said and the anti-yaoi girl crossed her arms over her rather large chest while Stacie arched an eyebrow, waiting for me to say my piece._

"Thank you." _I took a deep breath and let it out before starting my speech._ "Listen. Why do we have to judge each other based on our likes and dislikes? Isn't this a free country where people are allowed to have different opinions? We're all equal human beings, aren't we? So instead of raising our guns, we should be raising our hands and hug our fellow man. And that's why . . ." _I ran to the anti-yaoi girl and glomped her, a blissful look on my face. I did say that she had big boobs, didn't I?_

 _Stacie pried me off._ "Did you say all that just so you could bury your face in her breasts?"

 _I shrugged._ "I wanted to touch 'em at least once before I die."

 _The anti-yaoi leader punched me hard enough to send me flying into the air and shot at me, as if I was a duck during hunting season. Except I wasn't a duck and she was using a machine gun as she shouted that I was a pervert. Lucky for me, she had terrible aim. But that didn't stop the fact that I was heading towards the ground where I would become a pancake on the cement. I said a quick prayer, and God answered by sending the A-Team, who spun the plane underneath me so that I would fall through the open door and into the plane. Screw you, physics! The yaoi and anti-yaoi girls all tried to shoot it down, but we managed to get away. I was gonna live for another day!_

"Thanks, guys!" _And I meant it._

"Why did I let you fools talk me into this?" _BA asked, his fingers digging into his seat._

"Don't worry." _I placed a hand on his shoulder._ "I'll buy you some milk when we land."


	16. The Trail We Blaze - Part 11

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Suggestive Narration]**

* * *

 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

After the rock jumping incident, Marik had remained unusually quiet. Bakura guessed that he was either still recovering from their short journey over the second chasm or he was still thinking about their equally short argument. Marik was the type who forgot whole conversations right when he finished talking, so the probability of him remembering their discussion was highly unlikely. But something was different now. His demeanor had changed, and it reminded Bakura of all the times Marik talked about his past. A smile would be on his face and the words that came out of his mouth were as stupid as ever, and yet his body language seemed tame, like a calm tide before it turned into a menacing hurricane that wiped towns off of the map. It was as if he were repressing how he truly felt on the matter, afraid that he might lash out and tear out someone's eye with the dagger that was concealed within the Millennium Rod. Bakura knew that if Marik was always like this, it was possible that he could become an intimidating villain. He chuckled at the thought. Marik was too innocent and would flip back to his old self soon enough.

"We need a plan!" Sure enough . . .

"A plan for what?"

"Isn't it obvious? We need a plan for when we arrive in El Dorado."

"Oh, right. That." Before he had actually been looking forward to it, anxious to get them back home and make Marik fulfill his promise, but now he found himself dreading it. Bakura now knew for certain that he had made the right choice. He mustn't get attached to anyone. The only company he needed were his victims.

"When we arrive in El Dorado, I shall enslave them all and order them to give me all of their gold!"

Bakura rolled his eyes upward and repressed a groan. "And how exactly would you go about doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"Enslaving everybody. Your Rod only works on Steves."

Marik straightened up, allowing cool air to enter the gap between them that he had created, which caused Bakura to shiver. "Oh trust me. I'm a master of manipulation."

Bakura snorted. "You wouldn't be able to convince a drowning man to grab a life preserver."

When Bakura turned his head to throw a smirk at the Egyptian, he saw that Marik was glaring at him as he pouted, an expression that Bakura always thought was both cute and ridiculous, which always made it hard for him to keep a straight face.

"Not only would I be able to command him to grab that life preserver," Marik insisted, "but I would also sell him a vacuum cleaner for $19.99 and a free potato peeler that is actually not free because of shipping and handling." He crossed his arm. "Honestly, I don't know why they always try to get rid of their unwanted junk by giving it away and saying it's free if you buy something else. It doesn't make any frigging sense!"

"Nothing about Americans makes sense." Bakura explained. "All they're known for is their feeble attempts to recycle their films and that they're ignorant, entitled slobs who live on a hamburger and beer diet."

"Is that why there are no sexy anime villains in America?" Marik asked.

"Unless you're into fat bald men who do nothing but watch sports and women who had plastic surgery and their fat sucked out of them."

"Wow, Bakura. I had no idea!" Marik paused. "No wonder _4Kids_ is so messed up."

"And don't even get me started on Bronies. How any man can watch a show about colorful talking horses is beyond me."

"Frig you, Americans and your crappy English dubs!" Marik cried out while brandishing his Rod.

"Stop that!" Bakura said as he ducked to avoid getting whacked in the head.

Marik did as he was told and smiled. "This trip has certainly been educational."

"And we were able to accomplish insulting every one of our American fans."

Marik opened his mouth to continue the conversation when Churro jumped out of the foliage, running in front of the horse while making loud squeaks as he waved his arms.

"What is it, Churro?" Marik asked as the small animal spun in small circles.

"Don't you even think about making a _Lassie_ reference." Because Bakura knew that he probably would.

Churro darted off and Artax, who probably knew the armadillo language, raced after him, both Marik and Bakura clinging on to prevent themselves from flying off his back. When the two mammals came to a complete stop, Bakura looked at their surroundings and pulled out the map. Churro had somehow led them right to the next land marker, which was a clear body of water that was constantly being replenished by two waterfalls that poured out of a cluster of massive rocks that resembled a human face, the water cascading out of the eyes to resemble tears. Bakura couldn't help but admit that this spot was rather nice. It was certainly better than the other places they had been thus far.

Marik gasped as a look of pure joy appeared on his tanned face. "I didn't know that there was a water park out here!"

"Marik, this isn't-"

"Whee!" The excited Egyptian boy rushed towards the 'water park', Churro and Artax following close behind.

Bakura groaned and began rubbing his temples. Sometimes he felt like a mother trying to keep her overactive child under control, with no success. But his headache mysteriously disappeared as he watched Marik take off his shirt. He never grew tired of staring at his companion's physic. It wasn't very often that someone like Marik came into being. A true piece of art that was created to be admired. Bakura sometimes found himself wondering if the reason why Marik was such an idiot was because God had put all of His energy into the boy's body and had nothing leftover for Marik's brain power functions.

"Hey, Bakura!" Marik waved at him as he began to swim, grinned from ear-to-ear. "Why don't you come in? Are you scared you'll have too much fun?"

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of." If he got into the water with Marik, who had stripped down to the black swimming trunks that Officer Trudge had forced them to wear, Bakura knew that he would find himself doing things that would bump this fanfiction up to the M-rating. "Too much fun."

So instead, he sat down on a nearby rock and simply watched as he let himself imagine what would have happened if he had gotten in with him. But he stopped when he realized that it only made him want to do it even more. Without his thiefshipping fanart and other yaoi pictures to scroll through, it was becoming more and more difficult to suppress his urges with each day that passed by. Luckily El Dorado wasn't too far off, because Bakura didn't know how much longer he could control himself.

As he continued to enjoy the view, Officer Trudge lifted up his binoculars and watched from the bush that he was currently using for cover. It was true that he was supposed to go back to the real world right after preventing the two young men from committing the Fanfction Rating Violation, but he didn't trust them. Especially the white haired one, who couldn't keep his brown eyes off of the hyper kid. That one had all of the clear-cut signs: twitching eye, secret glances, flushed face, lustful expression. Yep. That guy was definitely an A-class sex fiend; just like every other teenage boy out there.

"He looks like he's gonna be troubles." Trudge said to himself after lowering the binoculars, not noticing that a small bird had landed on top of his helmet.

When he carried on with his spying, he first checked on Marik, who was splashing water on Artax as Churro floated on his back. Everything looked fine there. He then turned his attention to Bakura, who was looking in his direction. Trudge ducked and hid, disturbing the bird in the process, who flew out of the bush with a few angry chirps.

"What is it, Bakura?" Marik asked as he tried to see whatever his pale companion was staring at.

"Nothing." Bakura answered. "I thought I saw something there but it was just a bird."

"Was it the same one that gave us those directions? If so, be sure to thank him for me."

Bakura didn't answer. It was obvious that Marik was never going to comprehend that 'a little bird told me' was just a figure of speech. Instead, he stood up. "Let's go, Marik." He said as he hopped off the rock.

"But Bakura!" Marik whined. "I haven't even gotten on the slid yet!" He pointed at the crying rock.

"The sooner we get to bloody El Dorado, the better." He felt a pang in his chest when his plans to leave Marik entered his mind.

"Come on, Bakura! Just one time!" Marik was now hopping up and down, creating minuscule tidal waves as he did.

"We're leaving, Marik."

The young Egyptian slowly made his way out of the water as he sulked. "Fun wrecker."

"You're the one who wants to get to El Dorado so bloody much."

"But the water slide!"

"It's not even a-" Why did Marik have to give him that look? And why now of all times? He already felt like he was practically going to explode, and Marik's pleading puppy eyes just made it worse. If he didn't do something soon . . . "Fine, you can ride the bloody water slide." Before he finished speaking, Marik had already begun running off to do just that.

As he watched him go, Bakura smiled to himself. There was no way that Marik would be able to find a way up there. The rock formations were almost as tall as skyscrapers. It was one hundred percent impossible. And yet he found himself looking up at Marik, who was sitting in one of the holes that acted as the left eye socket.

Bakura felt his eyes widen as a wave of dread washed over him. "Marik. Don't-"

Marik jumped, and Bakura waited for his body to land on one of the rocks. He could practically hear the loud _splat_ from the boy's body being crushed and his blood spraying in all directions, making the human faced rock formation cry red tears. But to his amazement - and great relief - Marik had found a smooth route down and he was sliding towards the body of water below with his hands up in the air, as if he really were on a water slide. But it didn't stop there. The route ended with a rock that jutted outward, resembling a ramp, and it caused Marik to fly into the air. Bakura readied himself for Marik to turn into a human pancake once more, but again his worry was for not because Marik had done a graceful flip before performing a perfect dive. As Bakura stood there with his mouth agape, Artax and Churro held up signs with 9.9 written on them before Trudge cautiously did the same.

"That . . . " Bakura was lost for words. "That was . . ."

"Amazing, right?" Marik said as he grabbed his clothes.

"That was . . ." he clenched his fist, "the stupidest thing you have ever done! And that's saying a f****** lot!"

"What are you getting all upset about?" Marik asked as he put on his shirt. "It's just a water slide, for frig's sake. It's not like the owners would allow one that was life threatening or something."

Bakura wanted to shout at him, or better yet, punch him, for making him worry like that. It was a feeling he wasn't used to, and he hated it. But he was somehow able to calm himself down when he reminded himself of his future plans. When he left him, he wouldn't have to feel that state of panic ever again. "Let's go." He said as he stormed off, not bothering to make sure that Marik was following.

Artax and Churro gathered around Marik with worried expressions on their long faces before the three of them chased after Bakura, Officer Trudge stealthily bringing up the rear.


	17. The Trail We Blaze - Part 12

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Mild Language / Suggestive Narrative]**

* * *

 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

If the map was correct - and it hadn't steered them wrong yet - their next stopping point was the last one before arriving at El Dorado. Random memories of their journey thus far raced through Bakura's mind. It had felt like a lifetime, and yet it was as if it had all happened in a matter of seconds. And he was glad that it would soon be finally over.

"Let's get this over with." He grumbled to himself as he continued to climb up the steep slope.

"Are we there yet?!"

Bakura flinched. Why did Marik have to keep asking that whenever things got too quiet for his taste? Though he supposed that it was better than his endless rants about things that no one else cared about. But he did know that when they split up he would probably find himself missing it. Or maybe he would finally be able to enjoy some peace and quiet for a change. Not that it mattered.

When he reached the top, Bakura shielded his eyes from the sun, which was just about to set. Once it fell behind a cluster of treetops, he took in the view and smiled to himself. From up here you could see everything, and it made him feel powerful in a way, as if he were surveying the area before conquering it for his own. Not that he would want to. Marik was the one who fancied the idea of becoming Pharaoh after defeating their arch nemesis. Bakura would be perfectly content with a hole in the ground, surrounded by plunder and his disemboweled victims. Simple was the way to go. Things were easier that way. And things were never simple or easy with Marik, whose idiotic schemes were anything but subtle.

Bakura shook his head, reminding himself not to think about him. "Idiot."

"Wow!" Marik exclaimed when he stood next to his companion before he began pointing. "Look, Bakura! There's the hot spring!"

"Don't remind me." The incident with Officer Trudge was enough to make his blood boil.

"And that's where those leeches were!"

"Marik, I can see just fine. I don't need you to point them all out."

"This is the part where the sexy boy and girl kiss each other."

"What?"

Marik looked at him as if what he had said was obvious. "This is like every romance movie ever made _ever_! They go to the romantic setting and stare at the sunset together before sucking each other's faces off and then the next day they get into an argument and fight with each other while it's raining but they forget about it by the next day and start kissing again before the credits roll and I take the ice cubes from my soda home with me and-"

"I get it." If he hadn't interrupted, Marik probably would have gone on all day. And he wasn't in the mood to listen to him talk about his ice cube fetish.

"Too bad we don't have any faces to suck off."

"No indeed." Bakura cast a sidelong glance at his blond companion, who was watching the darkening sky. He wasn't much of a romantic - if at all - but he did like the idea of the two of them kissing here, seemingly on top of the world. And him talking about 'sucking' gave him a few ideas for what they could also do up here. "Marik-"

A moving pink wall blocked his vision of everything else as he felt a gush of wind sweep past him. Bakura stepped back and saw that a massive colony of butterflies had flown in front of them. When he looked to the left - in the direction that they were coming from - he saw that they were coming out of an opening in a rock that resembled a dragon head, making it look like a stone creature was vomiting pink fire. Some might have called it beautiful, but Bakura just thought it looked extremely bizarre. He much preferred the sight of black bats leaving their dark dwelling to hunt their prey.

"Where are they going?" Marik asked.

"Why do you care?"

Marik didn't answer and sat down in a cross legged position as he watched them go. Bakura shrugged and sat next to him before laying down, putting his hands behind his head.

"I don't know what it is about butterflies that people love so bloody much." Bakura said. Although he did see the appeal of catching them and sticking pins into their bodies. "They don't even live that long." Maybe that was the reason. People found themselves clinging onto things that would soon disappear. Like him with Marik.

"I wish I could live forever like you do." Marik said in a surprisingly serious tone.

Bakura stared up at the clouds overheard and thought about his five thousand years on this crummy planet. So many faces that had been lost in time; places that he had visited that he would probably never see again; a trail of blood that followed him wherever he went. "Living forever is overrated."

"Your face is overrated!" And just like that, the mood was shattered.

Bakura closed his eyes and scowled. "Shut your buggering face."

"Shut your own buggering face!"

Bakura rolled onto his side, his back facing Marik. Sometimes the boy was oh so very tiring . . .

* * *

"We both want her dead." The anti-yaoi leader - whose name was Elma - said to the other leader, her arms crossed.

Stacie nodded. "Yep."

"And we're both searching for her."

"Yep."

Elma did a mix of a grimace and a smile as he held out her hand. "Let us join forces. Just this once until she's dead."

The other girl cocked an eyebrow before turning around to face her followers. All of them looked like they didn't like the idea, but at the same time they all knew that their hatred for the writer was stronger than anything else. Stacie saw this and nodded, letting them know that she knew their answer before facing Elma again.

"Well?" Elma asked.

Stacie shook her hand. "Let's get her."

Elma half grinned before holding up her machine gun. "CHARGE!"

The two groups of girls merged together as one and ran in the direction that the plane had gone, ready to shoot anyone who got in their way.


	18. The Trail We Blaze - Part 13

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Mild Language]**

* * *

 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

The fog that Artax tried to navigate through was so thick that you could cut it with a knife. Bakura knew this because he had pulled out his blade and cut out a portion, which slowly evaporated as he held it. But they couldn't wait for it to clear up - if it ever would. They had been traveling for about five days, hadn't eaten for at least forty two hours, and El Dorado was almost close enough for them to start plucking gold bricks off of the buildings like fruit from a tree. They had to keep going and hope that the place the four of them - counting in the animals - ended up in wasn't too far from their next stop, which was the city itself.

"Who left the fog machine on?" Marik asked.

"Mother Nature."

"Well tell her to turn the frigging thing off. I mean, the fog effect is cool and all, but how are people going to know how sexy I am when they can't even see me? This is ridiculous!"

As Marik continued to rant on and on, changing the subject every two minutes, Bakura looked at a nearby rock, which had a piece of paper stuck to it. "What's that?"

"What's what?"

"That." Bakura pointed at what he was looking at.

"A giant rock!"

"The thing that's _on_ the rock, Marik."

"Oh."

They rode up to it and the Egyptian picked up the piece of paper, which had a doodle of trees and a faceless stick figure on it. A moment later the two of them could hear what sounded like a drum, and it echoed all around them. Artax's teeth began to chatter as his legs wobbled and Churro crawled underneath Marik's shirt, peaking out over the collar.

"What is that noise in the background?" Marik asked, clearly more annoyed than scared of the eerie sound. "That constant 'boooom', 'boooom' noise. What is that?" He leaned forward as Bakura convinced the horse, with some difficulty, to keep moving. "Is that you, Bakura?"

"No, that's not me." Bakura replied.

"I thought maybe your heart was beating really loudly, or something."

"I don't have one of those."

"You're always making noise!" Marik said as he placed one hand on his hip and wagged a finger at his companion. "You left the tap on the night before we left, you know."

"Marik, we live underground. We don't have taps."

"What was that dripping sound I heard then?"

"Oh that was one of my victims bleeding out."

"Oh, okay." Marik smiled and nodded, satisfied with the answer, and then he frowned again as the drum beat continued to follow them wherever they went. "What is this? Frigging Abu Dhabi? Oh hey, another note!" He said when a tree with another piece of paper on it came into view.

"Just ignore it." Bakura gently rammed his heels into the horse's sides, telling him to go faster.

"But what if this is like one of those games how you have to find every hidden object and you only need one more but you circle the map for ten hours searching for it until you finally just say 'frig you!' and turn it off and look up where it is online only to find out that it was in the most obvious place the entire time! But you forgot to save your game so you have to do the entire thing all over again and you get that one first but then it's a different one that you can't find so you repeat what happened last time and-"

"Are you senile?" Bakura asked.

"Ha! You can't fool me, Bakura. The Sea Nile is a river in Egypt. I should know because I'm from there. Egypt, I mean."

"Right." Bakura urged Artax to speed up as the drumming continued and they heard a scream in the distance, unknowing that it was the narrator, whose kneecaps were being broken by Yugi's wrench once more for letting another quote from a different abridged series slip into this fanfic.

"What's with all the frigging notes?" Marik reached into one of his pockets and pulled out a cell phone. "Seriously. Are they from the Dark Ages or something? Just send me a text for frig's sake."

"Wait." Bakura turned his head around to look at Marik. "May I see that?"

"You can see it from here."

"I mean, hand it over."

"Oh, okay."

Marik gave it to him and Bakura began to write a text message.

* * *

 _I was relaxing on a hammock as the ocean waves gently hit the shore, the only sounds being the tropical birds that sat in the trees around me and the A-Team, who were busily putting up a barricade around the small island we had landed on. Things were good. For the first time in what felt like forever, I felt like I was finally safe from harm._

 _With a smile on my face, I was just about to doze off when my phone began to beep, letting me know that I had a new message._ "I didn't even know I had a signal here."

 _But when I clicked the_ VIEW _button, I instantly regretted it._

 **The next time we meet, I'm going 2 stab u in the heart with a pencil and use the blood on it 2 write funeral invitations 2 ur loved ones - Bakura**

"Lovely."

* * *

Bakura smirked. He had never realized how much fun it was to send death threats via texting. He imagined her huddled in a corner, wondering when he was going to appear and end her life. It made him want to send another one.

"Are you done yet?" Marik asked.

"In a minute." He replied as he began sending a message to Yugi.

"What are you, a teenage girl?"

"No, I'm an Internet Troll."

"What's the difference?"

"Look, just let me finish this and you can have it back."

"Okay, but hurry it up. I haven't been on tumblr for ages and-"

"Hi, guys."

Artax stood on his hind legs when a tall man without a face and wearing a suit appeared in front of them before bolting away, leaving a trail of dust behind him.

"I just wanted to ask if I could be in your fanfic." Slenderman said. "How rude."

Bakura tried to regain control of Artax but fear had taken control, causing the stallion to run deeper into the wall of fog. Marik wrapped his arms tightly around his companion, squishing Churro in the process, and after a good two or three minutes Artax felt his hooves running on thin air, fore he had not seen the edge of the cliff, and the four travelers all found themselves falling.

As they did, words appeared on the screen: **Don't Text While Driving**


	19. The Trail We Blaze - Part 14

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Suggestive Dialogue]**

* * *

 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

When Bakura opened his eyes and realized that they had somehow survived the fall, he found himself thanking the fact that they were cartoon characters. Any normal human being would have surely died. But because cartoon characters from Japan were more susceptible to injuries than the ones in America, he still felt like a sledgehammer had tried to crack open his skull as he tried to push himself up. After muttering a few choice words, he managed to stand on wobbly legs and began scanning the area for Marik, who was usually very easy to find. But not this time.

"Where the bloody hell has that idiot gone?" Bakura grumbled as he looked around.

It was apparent that Marik and his animal friends had taken off somewhere. After investigating the site, he found hoof prints that led off into the distance. Did Marik leave him behind? Or was he so stupid that he had simply forgotten about him like in _Home Alone_?

"It's a good thing you're pretty, Marik." Bakura said as he stomped off in the direction of the hoof prints. "Otherwise I'd have to suffocate you."

After following the trail for a couple of yards, the mist began to clear up, exposing a woman who was standing in front of a giant rock. A woman that he recognized.

"What are you doing here?" Bakura asked as he walked over to her.

Ishizu turned to face him. "I saw a vision that you and my brother would be banished to the FanFiction Realm, so I placed myself in here to help you get out."

"If you knew this was going to bloody happen, then why didn't you bloody warn us about it before it bloody happened to prevent it in the first bloody place?!"

"Because shut up."

"Hey, Ishizu!" Marik's shrill voice called out before making his way around the rock to join his sister. His blond hair was dripping wet and he was attempting to dry it with a towel that had an Egyptian eye print on it, which matched the bathrobe that he was wearing. "We're out of soap again."

"Marik, that was the fifth one I had given you."

"I've been in the jungle for almost a week! I need to make up for all the days I didn't wash."

"Where the bloody hell have you been?!" Bakura glanced at Marik's new attire. "And where did you get that?"

"I had made preparations for your arrival." Ishizu explained. "I used the Millennium Necklace to show me what you needed."

"Then why didn't you bring more frigging soap?" Marik asked. "If I wanted to smell bad, I would be a cosplayer."

Bakura flinched, remembering the time when his parents had dressed him up as Sailor Moon. "You said something about getting us out, right?"

Ishizu nodded. "Follow me."

Marik's sister went behind the massive rock and the two boys followed until they came upon Artax and Churro, who were relaxing next to a rather small tent that looked like it would barely hold one person, let alone two or three - depending on whether Ishizu was going to be keeping them company or not. Bakura was just about to ask about it when she crawled into the tent. This wasn't strange. But the fact that Marik also went into it without the tent bursting was. Had she dug up a cellar and put the tent on top of it? If not, than how . . . ?

Marik popped his head out and frowned at his partner in crime. "Are you coming in or not?"

"Um, is there even any room in there for all of us?"

Ishizu placed her hand on the top of her brother's head and pushed it down, causing him to face-plant. "Come in and all will be explained."

When she retreated into the tent once more, Marik spit out dirt. "Don't do that!" He ducked back in and Bakura continued to stand there, listening to their sibling quarrel. "It frigging pisses me off!"

"Marik, watch your language."

"I refuse! I shall frigging swear whenever I frigging want to. 'Cause I'm an evil bitch, baby."

"It looks like I will have to wash your mouth with soap."

"Ha! You can't do that because I already used all of it! That will teach you to buy more soap in the future!"

After realizing that listening to them was giving him an even bigger headache, Bakura decided to go in, expecting a cramped space. But what he found was a massive living room with expensive Egyptian styled furnishings and décor. Ishizu was now pouring some tea into three cups and he could hear Marik ranting and singing to himself in the room to his left.

Bakura plopped onto the couch. "How is this even possible?"

Ishizu handed him one of the teacups. "I borrowed this tent from a _Harry Potter_ fanfiction.

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO FRIGGING DOING HERE?! GET THE EFFING FRIG OUT OF MY FRIGGING ROOM!"

A moment later, the door to the room that Marik was in flung open and a half naked Harry and Ron ran across the living room and out of the tent. Bakura and Ishizu both ignored it and silently sipped their tea as Marik stomped out, only wearing his pants and holding his crop-top in his clenched fist.

"Yeah! Run home to your fanfiction writer, you OOCs!" He shouted at them before he began putting his shirt on.

Normally, Bakura would have taken this opportunity to drink in both his tea and the boy's body while it was still exposed, but he decided to refrain from doing so while Marik's sister was around, unsure how she would react. He began to wonder if she had seen some of his flirtatious actions with her Millennium Item, which made him sink into his seat as he told himself to lay low and figure out how much she knew. But Marik grabbed his drink and sat down right next to him. This would usually make the white haired boy jump for joy, but with Ishizu around . . . He tried to scoot away, but he was already sitting against the armrest, making it impossible to create any space between them. It felt like that awkward moment when a teenager brings their date into the house to meet their parents, hoping that the dad didn't pull out his shotgun.

"Can you believe what just happened?" Marik asked and began making exaggerated hand gestures as he talked, almost spilling his tea in the process. "I mean, I went in there to get dressed when I heard moaning coming from the closet. And then I hear stuff like, 'make that magic happen' and 'show me your wand' and other stuff like that before they get out while I was in the middle of changing! Seriously! Don't they know anything about privacy? Kids these days. If I wanted people to stare at my gorgeous butt I would do what Bakura does and walk around the house naked with the curtains open. And what were they even doing in there anyway?"

"I'll explain it to you when you are older." Ishizu told him as she lifted her teacup to her lips.

"I know _what_ they were doing, Ishizu. They were touching butts with their butts." A spray of tea escaped Ishizu's mouth before he continued. "What I don't get is why they were in the frigging closet. I mean, there are much better places to do it in."

"Are you sure it's not you who is in the closet?" Bakura muttered, instantly regretting it as he glanced at Ishizu, who had grabbed a kitchen towel and was busy wiping tea off of her chin.

"What are you talking about, Bakura?" Marik leaned in, their noses almost touching. "This is the living room."

"It certainly is." Bakura stammered before getting up to put his cup on the coffee table - and because his hormones were kicking in - and he sat down on the opposite side of the couch, far away from Marik, before he looked at Ishizu. "Now explain how we can get out of here."

"There is only one way out of a fanfiction once it has started." Ishizu paused and looked at them before continuing. "Both of you must make it to the end of the fanfiction. Once you do that, you will be allowed to leave."

"What happens if we don't finish it?" Bakura asked.

"If the two of you don't succeed in finishing the story, this fanfiction will be swallowed by the Void, taking the two of you along with it."

"And, what if one of us was forced to remain here?"

Ishizu's eyelids lowered slightly. "If the story is finished and one of you remains, that person will simply keep it going until they decide to leave."

"So they can leave at any time after it's finished?" When she nodded, Bakura almost let out a sigh of relief. Over time, he had realized that if he had left Marik here, the boy probably wouldn't even last a day. This had made him almost abandon his plan. But now he knew how to make it work. When they began getting the gold, Bakura would simply say that he needed to go back to the real world first to clear out a room to put their gold in, when in reality he would be giving himself a head start in getting as far away from him as possible.

Ishizu closed her eyes for a moment. "A girl will meet you in front of the giant rock in fifteen minutes."

"Why does _Geico_ not have a jingle?" Marik asked.

The other two people in the room gave him a questioning look before she continued to explain her vision of the future. "After that, you will be surrounded by a group of men with spears, who will then take you to El Dorado."

Marik threw his hands up into the air. "Saskatchewan, here we come!"

"I must go now." Ishizu said before standing up.

"Wait." Bakura held up a hand. "You said that the only way out of this fanfiction is to complete the story."

"That's right."

"Wouldn't that mean that you can't leave yet either?"

Ishizu was silent for a moment. "Oh s***."


	20. Cheldorado

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language]**

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 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

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The next fifteen minutes were the longest fifteen minutes of Bakura's life.

He was currently standing with his arms crossed as he leaned against the massive rock, which he had been able to get a good look at while waiting for the girl that Ishizu had said would arrive. It was much larger than the one at the museum in Domino City, but it did share one characteristic: carvings that spoke of a prophecy. As to what that prophecy might be, Bakura couldn't even begin to guess. The style of the drawings was much different from the ones in Ancient Egypt, so they were unfamiliar to him. All he knew was that it contained a picture of two men who were dressed in strange loincloths and headdresses while riding some sort of creature that resembled a horse. It made him wonder if they were the blokes from this movie that he and Marik were replacing.

Wondering this reminded him about why he was feeling uncomfortable.

Also leaning against the rock was Marik, who was close enough to him that their elbows were touching; just enough for Bakura to feel the other boy's body heat. This wouldn't have been a problem if Ishizu weren't standing but a few feet away. And she was staring at them with unblinking eyes, her impassive expression acting as a perfect poker face. Was she judging him. making sure that he didn't try anything with her idiotic sibling? He would feel a lot better if he knew the answer.

"All of us don't have to be out here at once." Bakura finally said, closing his eyes and pressing the back of his head against the cold stone in an attempt to look uninterested in his own suggestion. She must not see that she was getting any sort of reaction out of him from her behavior.

"It would be wise for all of us to stick together." She replied, not moving an inch. "She will be arriving at any moment."

"Bor-ING!" Marik cried out before sitting down. "This is lame!"

Bakura raised an eyebrow. He had noticed that Marik was even more childish when his sister was around. And a lot more noisy. "If you're so bored, why don't you go back inside and entertain yourself?"

"But there's nothing to do in there." He answered, drawing crude pictures in the dirt with a small stick he had found next to him.

Bakura felt tempted to say something along the lines of 'I can think of a few things we could do' but kept it to himself. His flirtation would probably go unnoticed to Marik, but he was pretty sure that Ishizu would get his meaning and realize the kind of thoughts he had for her brother.

Marik suddenly stood upright. "I have to pee-tinkle!"

Bakura groaned. "Then just go and do it instead of telling us about it."

"Okay!"

Once Marik had gone behind the rock to enter the tent, Bakura tried to relax. The tension was gone now, but in its place was an awkward silence. The fact that even the jungle animals couldn't be heard only made it worse.

"So," Bakura said, taking on the look of indifference; as if he were only asking this out of sheer boredom. "Are you going to be sticking around with us?"

"I will be staying here." She answered. "If there comes a time when you need to know your future, we shall meet again."

"Why don't you just tell us the future right now and skip all of the convoluted bulls***?"

"Because shut up."

Instead of arguing, Bakura simply stopped their conversation there. It didn't matter whether she told him the future or not. He had already decided what he was going to do after arriving in El Dorado, and hearing it from Ishizu wasn't going to change anything. But that wasn't the only reason. Right after their discussion, the two of them heard the sound of someone approaching. When they looked in the direction of the waterfall that was to the left of the rock they stood next to, a small group of men holding spears and wearing clothes that were similar to the ones worn by the men in the stone carving came into view. And they were racing right towards them.

"Where is the girl you mentioned?" Bakura asked. "I thought you said that she was going to appear first."

"She can't have gone far." She walked up to the white haired boy. "Go and find Marik and I will delay them."

—

Marik exited the tent and took in a deep breath, ready to shout out to the others that he was done using the restroom, when something rammed into him, knocking the Egyptian to the ground.

"Oops." The one who had accidentally tackled Marik and was now laying on top of him produced a sheepish smile. "Sorry."

"Wha'?" Was all that Marik could say as winged kuribohs flew in a circle above his head.

"You okay?" The girl sat up and gave his cheek a slight slap. "I didn't hit you that hard." When he didn't respond, she grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled the upper half of his body up before increasing the force of her slaps, hoping that it would wake him up; but to no avail. "Whatever."

She let go of the crop-top, letting Marik fall back into his previous position before looking around, searching for the item she had been carrying and dropped when she had collided with the oddly dressed stranger. When her brown eyes finally caught sight of the wrapped up bundle, the girl smiled to herself until she saw the pale figure standing next to it, who was glaring at the scene in front of him.

"Unless you want to be introduced to your liver," Bakura said, "I suggest that you get off of him."

The girl looked down and saw that she was still sitting on top of the boy she had knocked unconscious. "Oh." She quickly scrambled off and stood up, dusting herself off before placing a hand on her hip and pointing at the bundle with the other. "Could you please hand that over? I'm in a hurry."

Bakura grinned and reached for his knife. "You won't be needing it where you're going."

—

"And I also predict that the New York Jets are going to defeat the Miami Dolphins." Ishizu explained as the men with spears wrote down her predictions on pieces of animal skin that acted as paper, hoping to use this information to win some bets.

"Sorry to interrupt." Bakura stepped forward, keeping his weapon pressed against the girl's throat while twisting her arm behind her back. "But I believe we have something of yours."

"Where is my brother?" Ishizu asked.

"He was knocked out."

She sighed, as if this were something that happened a lot. "I will go and get him."

As she walked off, Bakura removed the blade from the girl's auburn skin and pushed, causing her to be caught by the armed men. When she saw that there was no escape, she gave Bakura a resentful look. He didn't care. She was just another person to add to the long list of people who hated him. One more wouldn't make a difference. He just wished that he could have been the one to kill her. After all, he hadn't been able to murder anyone for at least a week, and he craved to see some fresh blood.

"Bakura!" Marik, who had recovered from his blackout, ran up to his companion. "After my pee-tinkle I had the strangest dream. In it people were playing card games on motorcycles! Talk about crazy!"

As he was talking, Ishizu - who was holding Artax's reins as Churro sat on the horse's back - walked over to them and faced Bakura once her brother had finished talking. "Get on."

"Why should we?" Bakura asked.

"Because-"

"Because shut up. I know."

"I was actually going to say 'because it is important to the plot of the story'."

"Oh."

Bakura and Marik did as they were told and climbed onto the white stallion, wondering why this was necessary. Unknowing to them, the sun had slowly broken through the gray clouds that had covered the sky, pouring its light on the two boys and the massive rock that stood behind them. The spear carrying men gazed at the sight in front of them in awe as they realized that these strangers resembled the carving. Without delay, they began to lead them to the waterfall, anxious to present them to their people.


	21. El Dorado - Part 1

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Gore]**

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 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

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Bakura, Marik, and their animal friends all looked up at the waterfall in front of them. It reminded the white haired boy of the last time they had encountered one and he grimaced. But luckily they wouldn't have to cross this one. They were at the very bottom where the water hit the stone ground. But instead of creating a body of water in front of them, the water seemed to flow back towards it, disappearing behind the translucent curtain. The only spear-man with a jaguar skin draped over his head and shoulders paused it front of the waterfall before walking through it to the other side.

"Wait, what the frig!" Marik shoved Bakura to one side so that he could get a better look, almost pushing him right off of the horse. "Where did he go? Is that the portal from that crappy movie we went to see so that you could switch it with your cannibal one, making all of the teenage girls run out screaming while you laughed at them?"

"I remember that." Bakura smiled at the memory. "It was almost as fun as the time I switched _Madagascar 3_ with _Paranormal Activity 4_."

"Yeah, that was pretty messed up." Marik said with a chuckle.

Bakura kept to himself the fact that when he did these evil deeds, which caused mothers to grab their screaming children and pull them out of the theater as they demanded their money back to pay for the therapy sessions that their scarred for life offspring would need for the next five years, he kept hoping that the two of them could sit in the darkened room together as they watched acts of murder and mayhem play out on the big screen. There was nothing quite as romantic as watching someone's intestines get ripped out of them and strung up in the trees like grotesque Christmas lights. But each time he asked, Marik always said the same thing: "What's the point of watching a movie if you can't talk in the middle of it and annoy everybody? There aren't even any fat ladies with large hats that obscure the view or horny teenagers sucking each other's faces off to complain about. And that's half the fun of going. The other half is all the free ice cubes I get to take home with me. I don't even get a frigging soda, I just fill that bad boy to the effing brim with ice and-" After that was where Bakura always began tuning him out.

When they too went under the waterfall, Marik let out a cross between a whine and a groan that resembled the sound of an old goat trying to impersonate a dying frog. Bakura turned to look at him and saw that the Egyptian was thoroughly soaked, his hair now a limp mop of blond locks. Marik began muttering a few curses before he stopped short and gasped. The water that flowed behind the waterfall swept through a long cavern, creating a river of sorts. And awaiting them was a fairly large canoe.

"I love canoes!" Marik said in a fit of pure joy.

Everyone climbed aboard the vessel - Marik grinning from ear-to-ear as they did - and one of the natives pushed them off as everyone sat down, letting the current carry them through the cavern.

After about five minutes, Marik let out a huff of disapproval. "This is the least exciting water flume I have ever been on."

"What's a flume?" The girl asked.

"Forget it." Bakura told her before looking at his companion. "Marik, this isn't a-" He would have continued, except in that moment their canoe dripped and dived down a sheer drop.

As the rushing wind whipped his white hair back and threatened to rip his face off, he held on for dear life, waiting for them to crash and die at any moment. As he waited for death's embrace, he heard Marik's screams. But not of terror. His hyperactive partner in crime was having the time of his life, acting as if they were on a roller coaster. Bakura would have smacked some sense into him if he weren't too busy trying to stay in his seat.

After what felt like an eternity, their watercraft hit the bottom. But instead of shattering into splinters as Bakura had expected it to, it leveled itself out and in the blink of an eye they were cruising at a slow pace once more. As Bakura clutched the front of his shirt where his nonexistent heart was, Marik cheered and threw praises at the one who had invented the ride before they came to a brief stop in front of a rock with a straight horizontal crack that produced a single photograph. One of the warriors handed it to Marik, who looked it over before frowning.

"Bakura!"

"What?!"

"You're eyes were closed!" The tanned boy shoved it in front of his British companion, who saw that it was a picture of their adventure down the steep water slope of terror. And Bakura's eyes were indeed closed. "Now we have to ride it all over again."

"I think that I have suffered enough for one day." Bakura muttered before thinking to himself, _Understatement of the year_.

In fact, he had suffered enough for a whole lifetime. He had been locked up in the brig, almost died in the middle of the ocean, and was forced to travel through a dense jungle for about a week before experiencing that ride that had nearly given him a heart attack. In short, the past week or so had utterly sucked, and he sensed that it was going to keep on sucking until they finally made it out of this accursed fanfiction, allowing him to murder that writer and leave Marik for good. Then he could put all of his time and energy into performing evil deeds as he continued to challenge the Pharaoh to a children's card game. Just like the old days.

When a bright ray of light hit them, Bakura shielded his eyes with his hand. Now what? When his eyes became adjusted to it, he lowered his arm and looked at their surroundings. They were no longer inside of the caves. Their canoe had sailed out of an opening that acted as a doorway to golden splendor.

All around them were magnificent pyramid-like structures that would surely put the Pharaoh in a fit of jealously; underneath them were multicolored fish that could swallow a man in one gulp, causing Artax to pull his dangling tail back into the boat in fear of the behemoths thinking it was food; the sun shone brightly above them, causing the gold bricks to shine with a brilliant radiance; and men, women, and children wearing colorful clothing and golden trinkets stopped performing their daily routines to stare at the two strangers who had entered their hidden paradise.

Marik gazed in awe at the city of El Dorado. As he did, Bakura realized that if the boy weren't a villain who spent his entire life stealing leather pants and rearranging his enemy's sock drawer, he could fit right in. He already had jewelry that was made of the same material that created everything from the buildings to the roads in this place, and everyone here was also scantily clad. This made Bakura realize that leaving Marik here would probably be the best thing for him.

When their vessel came to a halt, the warrior with the jaguar hide wasted no time in jumping off, leaving the others behind as he pushed through the gawking crowd. Bakura wanted to follow him to find out what the man was up to, but the remaining spear carriers instructed the two boys to go in the opposite direction, leaving Bakura with little choice.

Marik ran to his companion's side and grabbed his arm, making Bakura instinctively flinch. "We are going to be frigging gabajillionaires."

"There is no such thing."

"I'm making it a thing!"

"You can't just-" Bakura stopped himself when he noticed that Marik was still holding onto him. "Let go of my arm."

Marik did as he was told, wondering why Bakura had gone quiet and stiff all of a sudden, as Chel - the girl that had been captured along with them - walked behind them, cocking an eyebrow at their behavior. While she thought that the loud one was okay, she kept wondering how she could get back at the pale one. Not only did he tick her off, but he was also responsible for ruining her plans to escape this place. Hopefully she would survive long enough to get some payback.

As this was going on, a vertical piece of hollow bamboo glided across the water until Officer Trudge, who was using it as a snorkel, lifted his head out of the water enough for him to see the two boys he was tailing. Now that there was a pretty girl in the mix, the chances of this fanfiction becoming an 18+ porn fest was increased by nearly 50%. But luckily Officer Trudge was on the case. He smiled to himself and submerged once more as Churro, who was floating on his back and doing backstrokes, swam past him.


	22. El Dorado - Part 2

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Violence]**

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 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

When they came to a stop, the two boys found themselves surrounded by a large crowd of wide eyed natives. Even though it didn't look like they had any harmful intent - and there was the fact that Ishizu wouldn't send them here if there was even the slightest of chances that her brother would be in danger - Bakura still stayed alert and kept his hand on the hilt of his knife. He hadn't survived five thousand years by taking chances. If being an anime villain had taught him anything, it was the fact that it was always wise to be cautious.

"Greetings, fools!" Marik stepped forward, probably loving the fact that all eyes were on him. "It is I, Marik Ishtar, and I am here to enslave all of you!" He jutted a thumb at his companion. "And this is my sidekick, Bakura."

"Word to your mama."

Marik brandished his Millennium Rod. "And now you shall all obey me! I command you to gather all of your gold and bring it to me! And also make me a sandwich!"

The Egyptian stood perfectly still as he waited for their response, expecting them to start groveling at his feet. But nothing happened. The on looking crowd merely continued to watch them, as if they were exotic animals at a zoo.

Marik straightened up and looked very displeased. "Tough crowd. Hey Bakura, why aren't they obeying me?"

Before he could answer, a voice called out, "Behold!" Everyone turned their heads in unison and laid their eyes upon a man who stood on the steps of one of the pyramid-shaped structures. "As the prophesies foretold, the time of judgment is now!"

"Is he talking about _Apocalypse IV_?" Marik asked.

Bakura remained quiet, trying to scan his surroundings in case they needed to escape. As he did, the speaker paused as a rather fat man who looked like he might be the leader of these people stood beside him before throwing his hands up into the air.

"Citizens!" He began walking down the steps and towards the two teenagers, Bakura cocking an eyebrow at this man's antics and Marik wondering why he wasn't getting his gold. "Did I not predict that the gods would come to us?"

"You have Egyptian God Cards?!" Marik exclaimed before pointing his Rod at him. "Bring them to me!"

"Marik," Bakura grabbed the tanned boy's shoulder, spinning him around to that they were facing each other. "He's talking about us."

"Do I look like a frigging card to him?!"

"Marik," Bakura glared at the other boy's confused face, telling him that he was being serious. "Let me do the talking."

The man chuckled as he approached them, bowing when he stood before the two anime villains. "My lords. I am Tzekel-Kan, your devoted high priest and speaker for the gods."

Bakura felt a smile creep upon his face. This couldn't have worked out any better. Now it would be easy to grab the gold that Marik so desperately desired, and Bakura saw this as the perfect opportunity to have a little fun. After all, it isn't everyday that a whole civilization sees you as a god. Now he knew what being a Pharaoh felt like, and he only wished that he could drag his nemesis here, forcing the former king of Egypt to kneel before his feet before having him beheaded. He would do it himself, of course. He wouldn't trust anyone with such a task, and also because it would be amusing. Imagining Yugi's blood spraying out of his neck where his head had once been made Bakura want to laugh and he clenched his fist. His thirst for blood was becoming unbearable now. But hopefully, if they continued to fool these people, he would be able to squelch his thirst soon.

"I am Chief Tannabok." The fat man announced as he stepped forward, and Bakura saw Tzekel-Kan grimace slightly before forcing himself to smile once more. "What names may we call you?"

"I am Marik Sebastian Ishtar III!" Marik announced and the crowd seemed impressed, not used to gods having such long names.

The white haired boy pointed at himself. "Bakura."

"Your arrival has been greatly anticipated." Tzekel-Kan explained.

Tannabok took a step forward. "My lords, how long will you be staying in El Dorado?"

Tzekel-Kan's attention was broken when he saw the girl that was brought with the two boys and he smiled before walking at a quick pace, grabbing Chel's wrist when he reached her. "I see you've captured this temple-robbing thief." He dragged her over to Bakura and Marik. "How would you have us punish her?"

Bakura grinned, for he had just picked his first victim. "Have her sent away so that I may deal with her later."

Tzekel-Kan nodded in understanding before pushing the girl into the waiting arms of a warrior. "Have her sent to the god's temple."

As she was led away, Chel glared at Bakura, who threw her a smirk. He would enjoy driving his knife into her skull.

"My lords," Tannabok gave them a friendly smile as the high priest scoffed, "why now do you choose to visit us?"

"Enough!" Tzekel-Kan grabbed the Chief's wrist and pushed him aside. "You do not question the gods."

"That's right." Marik said, now embracing the role. "If you do not obey us, you shall feel my effeminate fury!"

"Just ignore him." Bakura told them. "Though I must say that if you don't follow our orders, you will all rue the day that you were put into this fanfiction. Although I have to say that I've been regretting it since chapter 1."

"Of course we will tend to your every need." Tzekel-Kan said with a bow before stepping closer to them, causing Marik to hide behind his companion. "Forgive me, my lords. I know that you have traveled far, but," He leaned in, whispering to make sure that no one could eavesdrop. "I think it would be wise to visit your wrath upon the nonbelievers." He gave a cross between a scowl and a smirk to the Chief before continuing. "Show us the truth of your divinity."

"Our what now?" Marik asked, stepping in between them.

"I suppose we could do something." Bakura said. After all, it would be wise to remove all doubt to make sure that their plan went without a hitch.

"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" Marik hopped up and down while holding his hand up before pointing his Millennium Item at the crowd. "I command you all to step forward and bow before my sexiness!"

"Marik," Bakura massaged the bridge of his nose. "That only works on Steves, and I highly doubt that anyone here has that name."

A moment later, a single man with a slouching posture and large buck teeth came forward and did as Marik had asked.

"Alright, so you found one." Bakura continued. "But this doesn't prove that we're gods."

"Ha! That's what you think. Take a look at this!" Marik waved his Rod and the man before him jerked up before floating in the air, spinning in circles and waving his limbs like a demented marionette. "Yes, you see? With my powers I can force people to Break Dance! See how he pops and locks against his will? Truly I am a formidable god!"

"Marik, we're supposed to be fooling them into thinking that we're gods. Not that they should start looking for an exorcist."

"Well excuuuuse me, princess!" Marik placed his hands on his hips, letting Steve fall to the ground with a loud thud. "You try to convince them that we're gods, then!"

"With pleasure."

The sky darkened as black clouds rolled in and a purple fog engulfed them. Mothers grabbed their children and tried to protect them as best as they could while the warriors held their weapons at the ready, unsure what horrible danger was about to befall them. As a heavy silence filled the city, the Millennium Ring began to glow and Bakura chuckled to himself. Even if they didn't believe they were gods after this, he would still have so much fun trying.

A black mass emerged from the ground beside him and formed the Monster known as Man-Eater Bug, who eyed one of the natives before charging at the young man, who screamed in terror as he tried to run. But he wasn't fast enough.

Women and children screamed as everyone began to make mad dashes in the opposite direction of Bakura's creature. But as they did, more Monsters formed and began to feast upon them as Bakura threw his head back and laughed, loving the sight of their blood spilling onto the ground and creating a red river at his feet, painting his sneakers the same color.

Tannabok looked around in a panic and tried to come up with a plan to save his people, but how do you stop a god? He stepped forward, about to ask Bakura to stop this madness, and was stopped by Tzekel-Kan, who raised his arm and prevented him from going any further. After all, this is exactly what Tzekel-Kan had wanted. The gods were destined to come and purge this land of all the sinners and nonbelievers, which was practically everybody here. This was the god's will, and he would see to it that their bloodthirsty wishes would be done.

When a good number of people had been consumed, Bakura sent the Monsters back to their world of darkness and the atmosphere began to return to normal. The survivors looked around with great caution, wondering if the nightmare was truly over, and Bakura crossed his arms as he smiled. Tzekel-Kan mimicked the gesture before bowing to him, pleased with the pale boy's show of power. A moment later, everyone fell to the ground, bowing deeply in fear that the creatures would return if they did not do so.

Tzekel-Kan walked over to Bakura. "O mighty lords!" He bowed once more. "Come. Let me show you to your temple."

The man began to walk away to guide them to their new living quarters and Bakura was about to follow when he turned and saw Marik, who was staring at the leftovers of the carnage that took place only moments ago. Bakura had known him long enough to know that the blood was reminding Marik of that day when his father was murdered, and his spaced out expression told Bakura that if he didn't intervene soon, Melvin might decide to make an unwanted appearance.

"Marik." Bakura grabbed the other boy's arm, causing the Egyptian to snap back to reality.

Marik lowered his head, allowing his blond locks to cover his face. It was obvious that he was trying his hardest to contain all of his emotions, not wanting the bamboozled natives to see one of their gods cry. Bakura tightened his grip and began to drag him away, wanting to get him away from prying eyes so that the boy could fight his demons in private.


	23. El Dorado - Part 3

**WARNING** **:** **This chapter contains . . . [Language / Suggestive Narration]**

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 **Edit Update: 1/1/2016**

 _Did some majorly minor editing._

* * *

Luckily for them, Tzekel-Kan and Chief Tannabok didn't look their way as they climbed the steep steps to the temple that rested on the very top. Otherwise they might have asked why the hyperactive of the pair had become so somber all of a sudden. But Bakura's worries began to evaporate when he saw that Marik's mood improved as they continued upward. He was still far from his old self, but it was certainly better than before.

When they finally reached the top, the two natives and Marik hadn't even broken a sweat, while Bakura had to force himself to climb up that final step, trying his hardest not to show his fatigue. Back in Ancient Egypt, he had been in top form, with abs that could even possibly rival Marik's. But all those years in the Millennium Ring had made him lazy; and it didn't help that his host had such a fragile body. But he felt slightly better when he saw that the horse had to crawl up the last five or more steps. At least he had made it while standing tall, even if his legs now felt heavy and stiff. Maybe he would take up Marik's offer of exercising with him. Although the kind of exercise he had in mind was quite different from Marik's random workouts.

Their guides stood on either side of the entryway to the temple and pulled back the colorful curtains as they bowed deeply, allowing the two false gods to enter first, and Bakura wondered if the Pharaoh's servants also acted in this manner back in the day.

When they stepped inside, they were greeted by an exquisite room that was truly built for a god. They walked past tall pillars with gold carvings and green vines that wrapped around them, like Bakura's fingers when they clutched the hilt of his knife; the two stone sofas were covered with lush pillows and quilts with intricate patterns; a ceramic bowl held an abundance of delicious fruit - though Bakura would have preferred meat; and to top it all off, a large bath that resembled a fancy indoor swimming pool, with no walls or dividers to hide its occupants.

"To commemorate your arrival," Tzekel-Kan said, "I propose a reverent ceremony at dawn."

"Then perhaps," Tannabok stepped in front of Tzekel-Kan, causing the high priest to roll his eyes, "I could prepare a glorious feast for you tonight."

After Tzekel-Kan regained his composure, he asked, "Which would you prefer?"

"I want to pig-out." Marik announced.

Bakura glanced at the Egyptian's exposed midriff. "Do that and you'll lose that figure of yours."

"Being evil burns lots of calories. How else would I be able to stay this sexy while eating whatever the frig I want?"

Bakura had to admit that Marik did have quite an appetite; especially for sweets and greasy fast foods. It was probably to make up for lost time with all those yearly years spent eating practically nothing. Marik did say once before that his father always fed his pet snake first, leaving everyone else with the leftovers.

"We'll just do both." Bakura said, answering their question. He would have much preferred staying alone up here with Marik until it was time for them to leave this place, but it was important to keep up the illusion that they weren't mortals. Once they had their complete trust, the two of them would begin plucking their gold and Bakura would squeeze in a night of activities that he often dreamed about.

Both of the men bowed. "My lords." They stepped outside and closed the curtains, giving Bakura and Marik complete privacy.

"You see?" Marik walked over to the bath as Artax gleefully charged into it, splashing water everywhere. "My plan is totally working. They are all within my evil clutches."

"More like effeminate clutches." Bakura muttered before frowning. It was obvious that Marik was trying to act as he normally did, but it was impossible to fool the one person he had spent most of his time with for these past years. But at least now he was recovered enough to prevent Melvin from popping in. Bakura sat down on the pile of pillows, happy to finally be off his feet. "Now all we have to do is keep tricking them into thinking that we're gods."

"Silly, Fluffy. Tricks are for kids." Marik said, making Bakura roll his eyes.

"So your real name is Fluffy?"

Bakura turned his head in the direction of the voice and saw the girl from earlier, and he remembered the fact that she had been brought here.

"Consider yourself lucky." Bakura waved a dismissive hand. "I'm too tired to murder you today." This wasn't a lie. He wondered if he would even get up if Marik began stripping while calling him over for some fun. All those days spent in the rowboat and in the jungle with little to no rest was finally catching up to him, and all he wanted to do was sleep the day away. But he did have the energy to say, "But I won't be if you call me that again."

Chel shrugged and leaned against the wall, trying to figure out what her strategy should be. She had just overheard them discussing their plans to fool the people of El Dorado. If she wanted her revenge on Bakura for ruining her escape attempt, the best option would be to expose them, which would probably end with their heads being chopped off. But that seemed a bit too extreme. And besides, who would believe her anyway? Putting revenge aside, she realized that their plan did sound kind of fun. If they were able to keep up this charade, there was a lot of gold to be had. And if she joined in on it, she may still be able to leave this place. And she wouldn't have to worry about being hunted down. Maybe it was actually better that she had been caught. Though she would never admit it to Bakura.

Marik finally saw Chel and pointed a finger at her. "It's the girl we're supposed to fall in love with!"

"What?" Both Bakura and Chel asked in unison.

"The movie, Bakura!" Marik rushed over to his companion and grabbed his wrist, pulling him off of the sofa.

"What are you-?" Bakura tried to ask as Marik dragged him to where Chel was standing.

When he reached her, Marik wrapped his arms around Bakura and Chel's shoulders. "Now we have to fight for her as we steal the gold."

"What is he talking about?" Chel asked as Marik rambled on about the movie they were in.

"Why should I have to explain anything?" Bakura said. "After all, I still plan on killing you."

"You can't kill her, Bakura." Marik told him.

"Stop telling me who I can and can't murder!"

"But we need her, Bakura."

"How could she possibly be of any use to us?"

"Did you even read the script?"

"I may have skimmed. Just a tad."

"Look," Chel gently pushed Marik's arm off of her shoulders and stepped back before facing them. "If you guys want the gold and don't want to get caught, you're going to need my help."

"She's right, Bakura." Marik nodded in agreement. "She's going to be very useful to us."

Bakura crossed his arms. "She seems like she would be about as useful as Mokuba Kaiba."

"All right. Fine." Chel said with a slight shrug. "After all, I'm sure you know the proper rituals for blessing a tribute, the holiest day on the calendar, oh, and of course you know all about Xibalba. I mean, this is basic knowledge for gods such as yourselves, right?" She placed a hand on her hip, knowing that she had won the argument.

Bakura knew it too and did a mixture of a sigh and a groan. "Fine." Right after saying this, two pieces of cloth and a headdress were thrown at his face.

"Now, put these on. Your public's waiting." Chel explained as she handed more to Marik before stepping away. "And call me Chel, your new partner."

Bakura examined the green and teal fabric and discovered that it was clothing that reminded him of Ancient Egypt, expect these were much more colorful. But before he even thought of putting them on, he saw that Chel was sitting on top of a pillow on the floor, watching them. "If you don't want me to gouge your eyes out, I suggest that you leave."

Chel shrugged again and made her way outside. "Bye."

Once she was gone, Bakura looked at the clothes he had been given and smiled. "It looks like we're going to be seeing a lot of each other. Literally."

"How do I look?"

Bakura turned around and failed to stop himself from laughing. Marik had put them on in the right places, but he still had his shirt and pants on underneath them. "You look ridiculous."

"It's not my fault that these people have no fashion sense!"

"Marik, you're supposed to take your clothes off first before putting them on."

"Well how was I supposed to effing know? There's no instruction manual on this thing."

Bakura wasted no time in stripping and soon got to the black trunks that Officer Trudge had given them. "Now I'll finally be able to take this infernal thing off." He said as he placed his fingers on the waistband.

"Holts! In the name of the laws!"

As Trudge stepped out of his hiding place - which was behind a potted plant - Bakura grabbed the clothes from Chel and put them on while still wearing the trunks. The sooner they did what Trudge wanted, the sooner he would leave. Besides, he and Marik wouldn't have had time to do anything before the party anyway. Or at least, that's what he told himself to keep from grabbing his knife to cut the officer's stomach open.

"It looks like you're catchings ons."

Bakura shrugged, too angry to reply with words.

"I'll be watching the two of yas. So keep doin' what you're tolds." Officer Trudge said before walking away.

"Let's go to that party, Bakura!" Marik, who had finished changing, said excitedly before rushing off.

"Whoopee." Bakura muttered as he followed.


	24. Where's the Next Chapter!

"Why are we in an office?" Bakura asked as he looked at his surroundings.

"That is because the girl who is writing this fanfiction wanted to make an announcement." Marik explained.

"The writer that I want to murder?"

"No! She is the writer who wrote the writer who is writing the fanfiction which is actually being written by the writer who is writing the writer."

"Nothing you just said made any sense."

The office door opened a crack, just enough to reveal a bloodshot eye that was staring at them. But the two boys didn't panic because they knew it was the writer - the real one - who wanted to join the discussion; because she saw that if she left it entirely to them, nothing would get explained.

"I realize now that it wasn't a good idea to upload the 1st draft. 'Cause it's like that one guy said: The first draft of anything is beep."

Bakura cocked an eyebrow. "Is what?"

"Is beep." There was a long pause. "I censor myself. Anyhow. For now I will leave the old chapters up, but I'll be replacing them once I completely finish the fanfic. I know this kinda sucks, but think of it this way. The finished result will probably be WAY better than what I currently have up. And once it's finished, I'll be able to upload a whole bunch of chapters at once. And-"

Bakura pushed the door shut, cutting her off and damaging the teenage girl's nose; both of which made him very happy.

After letting out a few yowls of pain, the writer continued. "As I'm doing that though, you guys can send me requests and ideas for new scenes or how to improve some of the chapters that are currently up."

"Oh bugger." The white haired boy sat down on one of the swivel chairs. "We're probably going to get a swarm of badly written sex scene suggestions." He kept to himself the fact that he hoped they would.

"All of those suggestions shall be ignored." Marik announced. "Ignored, I say! Unless they truly capture my sexiness. Those are okay."

"No they're not!" The writer's voice called out from behind the door.

Bakura leaned back, making his chair give out a faint creak. "So, are we going to be giving these people who help out anything in return? After all, we can't just ask for suggestions with the vague promise of being able to finish the story."

"I'm glad you asked!" Marik also sat down. But instead of continuing what he was saying, he made the swivel chair spin, lifting his hands up in the air as he did. "Whee!"

"Marik." Bakura groaned. "Just answer the bloody question."

"Oh, right." After letting the chair come to a complete stop, Marik continued. "All those who successfully give suggestions that are not descriptive porn or don't show off my beautiful bottom shall receive prizes for an unlimited time only!"

"Marik, I think you mean-"

"Those of you who are able to give us a measly handful of ideas or dialog shall be credited at the end of the chapters that contain their suggestions. The ones who have a whole scene in mind shall receive a _Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series_ short story of their choosing. And the chosen few who agree to become beta readers shall receive an entire _Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series_ fanfiction, which shall _also_ be of their choosing."

"Why is she asking for beta readers?"

"Um . . . I don't know." Marik pushed the ground with his feet, making the chair roll across the room until it stopped in front of the door. "Why are you looking for beta readers?"

"'Cause I suck at writing and I need someone to point out all of the ways that I suck so that I can, well, not suck. And also, I can't guarantee that all of your suggestions will be put into the final product, but you will still get credit nonetheless."

"So pick up that phone and dial the number at the bottom of the screen!"

Bakura rolled his eyes. "There is no number."

"Well then how in the name of crap are they going to send their suggestions?"

"They can by simply sending the writer a PM."

"Whoa!" Joey, who had been sitting in the corner, held up his hands. "Too much information!"

"There's no S at the end." The writer pointed out. "PM just stands for Private Message."

"Oh." Joey crossed his arms and remained silent until, "So what are you guys talking about anyway?"

"Sod this bollocks." Bakura got up and faced Marik as he pointed at the door marked EXIT with his thumb. "Let's go watch _Cannibal Holocaust_."

"Again?" The two of them began making their way out of the room. "Geez, Bakura. How many times have you seen that frigging movie?"

"The classics are supposed to be watched repeatedly."

"So start sending in those suggestions." The writer said. "And while you do, I'll try to explain what's going on to Joey."

"Nyeh?"


	25. Chibi Skit 1

**To make up for the fact that I'm taking so long to re-write and finish my fanfic, I've decided to write these mini skits that will act as a fake behind-the-scenes. And hopefully these will help the time move faster. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Bakura!" **  
**

As Marik waved and ran up to him, the pale boy stepped aside as a dozen or so neko girls carried various props for the stage that was being set up. "What is all this?"

"Guess what, Bakura." Marik said when he reached him. "We're going to be in another fanfic."

"Is it by another one of those yaoi fangirls with badly written sex scenes in it?"

"No! She's a Christian so there won't be any sex in it."

Bakura hid his disappointment.

"Okay, people." The Writer stepped forward and clapped her hands to get everybody's attention. "We're just about ready to start filming."

"Okay." Marik said. "Let me go get my bathing suit."

The Writer stared at him for a moment, wondering if she had heard him right. "There is no scene that requires you to wear one."

The tanned teen held up his script. "I modified it."

When the Writer gave Bakura a questioning glance, he replied with: "This is what I have to put up with everyday of my life."

She gave him a sympathetic pat on the arm. "You poor thing."


	26. Chibi Skit 2

"So what is this fanfic about, exactly?" Bakura asked as they sat down in the Writer's office.

The Writer placed her arms on her desk and leaned forward. "It's going to be a parody of the movie _The Road to El Dorado_."

"Oh, you mean that gay _Disney_ movie that no one remembers or cares about?" Marik asked.

The Writer's mouth twitched. "First of all, it's not a _Disney_ movie. It's _Dreamworks_. And second, it's not gay."

"Of course it is! It has two attractive guys hanging around each other all the time and getting into crazy shenanigans together. If that's not gay than I don't know what is."

Bakura turned to face him. "Then what would you call us?"

Marik was silent for a few seconds. "You know what, on second thought you're right. It isn't gay at all."


	27. News

I had originally planned to replace the current chapters with updated versions, but I now know that that was a stupid idea. Not only will it be confusing for me, but it will also be confusing for a lot of you guys. So instead, I am going to be deleting this story once the final draft for it is finished so that I can post the new version in its place.

I know this sucks, but it'll end with things being a lot more organized.


End file.
